{It's Go Time}

There are few words that can really describe the experience I have had these last two weeks.

Fear.

Doubt.

Hard.

Dedication.

Commitment.

Tenacity.

Before leaving for the Resort, I really didn't actually think I could come close to eating 1200 calories a day, working out 6 hours a day, lessons, lectures, and survive at the end to say this was the greatest thing I have ever done or thought I could ever accomplish. I feel like a completely different person than I did 2 weeks ago.

Cara and I didn't plan these 2 weeks for any specific reason, but it was meant to be that we were here at this time, with these people. Thank you does not begin to express how grateful I am for this time. It has changed my life and I will be forever changed.

I came here completely broken. So sad inside. I felt like a failure and that my life would never be right again. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel and honestly felt like my fate was to be an overweight, unhealthy, unhappy, sad image of the person I wanted to be. I thought maybe it would just be easier if something happened to me to end my miserable state. I had no desire to change and even if I did, I didn't know where to start. I got to a point where I was in a constant depression. I hated what I looked like, how I felt and that my life was clearly defined by my weight. How did I ever allow myself to get to that point? How sad. What a complete waste. I was born into a family that supports me and loves me unconditionally. With a roof over my head, (a little) money in my bank, an amazing education, friends that I call family and a true sense of what it was that I wanted in life. But for the last several years, I pushed all of that aside and ate. How ridiculous does this sound? I have this amazing relationship with someone I feel I was meant to find and love. She makes me want to be the best me when I am with her, yet I kindly decline everything she has to offer because I would rather eat than love. I would rather eat than live. I would rather eat and die. What a selfish, sad, disgusting, little bitch I have been. 

I came here a broken, unhealthy girl and I am leaving a strong, aware, committed woman. These two weeks have saved my life. 

As my first post said...this is way more than just oatmeal and ellipticals. These 2 weeks are about life. My life. The life I was slowly losing by gaining weight everyday. Don't get me wrong, my journey has just begun and I have a long way to go, but what I know is that I am worth every second it takes to get me there. Everyone is worth it. 

Arthur says there is good news and bad news...bad news...only you can change your life. Good news...only YOU can change your life. I made the choice to change my life. 

Shout outs:

To the people that have helped me save my life...Essara, Kelly 'Potate', Heather, Meg, Haley, Keith, Shelene, Arthur, Sarah, Tonia, John, Bernie, Tara, Courtney, Sione, Nancy, Susan, Z, Chris, Estella, Gerry, Katina, Careen, Jake....THANK YOU for your compassion, unconditional friendship, commitment and support. I am forever grateful to have you in my life and can't wait for every moment of this journey. 

To the family that I am so blessed to have...Mom, Dad, Ryan, Nooch, LamLam, my baby boys, Ranelle, Charlie, Gretchen, Chris, Chloe, Oliver, cousins Kelly, Kasey and Meghan, Auntie Debbie, GG, (just to name a few)...you have loved me unconditionally during my darkest moments. I have no words to express my thanks, so know that I am nothing without you and am profoundly grateful for your support. 

Kian...you my rib, ma. Don't ever forget how much I love you.

"Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated this place
Misunderstood
Miss knowing it's all good
It didn't slow me down.

Mistaking
Always second guessing
Underestimating
Look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect

Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me"-Pink!

To my dearest friends...Taylor (PFS), Khalil, Jonna, and Dylan...you see past my insecurities and make me feel so loved. My life is so much better with you in it and I am honored to share my life with you.

Cara...Murr...I could not have done this without you. Two weeks ago I was dying slowly and now I am living fully. We each have our own journey, but together we can do this. I believe in you. Thank you for always believing in me. You are the greatest part of my life. Together, side by side, we will leave tomorrow completely changed from the day we came here. Who the F are we? 

"You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow"-Cyndi Lauper

Monica...I live for you. I live for us. The greatest gift I have ever received is your unconditional love. I promise you the best life ever. I love you, Nani.

"Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, 

My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved"-Maroon 5   

And to me...Wow. Thank God you didn't die. There is nothing standing in your way, but yourself. Don't forget how hard it was to carry all that weight on the hikes, during Treading, Mountain, Core, Stretch, and Last Chance. Your feet, knees, back and arms supported you every step of the way (even though they were bitchin' me out). Take care of yourself. Remember you took the first step by coming to the Resort...the first step to the rest of your life. You want nothing more than to be the person you were meant to be for this world. Live every moment of your life mindfully, thankfully and healthfully. Smile. Laugh. Cry. Live. You are so worth it. It's go time. Never ever look back. I love you more than bread and butter. 

Believe in yourself. Trust the process. Change forever.