I get that I left my comfort zone for 2 weeks to focus on me and my food addiction and unhealthy lifestyle which has given me the knowledge I need to make this happen. I get that I'm doing well all on my own, and have so much to be proud of. But it's not all fuckin rainbows and flowers. I'm having a really hard day today. Not with food but about food. About how I allowed myself to get so out of control. I recognize this is a journey, a long term journey, but it feels daunting. It feels out of reach and I'm just so ashamed. Being mindful is exhausting and sometimes I wish I didn't have 150lbs to lose. One hundred and fifty mutha effin pounds. Obviously, it's not going to change over night. It took me 10 years to put this weight on and I know putting it on was way easier than it is coming off, but shit...is it really gonna happen? Am I really gonna lose 150lbs? The size of an entire person. I don't just have a few pounds to lose. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done and I'm already tired.
Why am I feeling this way? Why now am I feeling like it's overwhelming? Was working out every second of the day 2 weeks at the Biggest Loser Resort not enough to compare my overwhelming feeling now to that and get over it?
I decided to clean out my entire house this week. Purge all my crap and start 2012 the way my colon is feeling...clean and with less shit everywhere. My desk area filled 3 garbage bags. I have so much stuff that clutters my life and mind that I felt cleaning it out would help me start fresh, but now I'm sitting among a mess wondering why I started it in the first place. It's so much easier being messy and fat.
I miss the Resort and having everything scheduled. I miss Kelly Potate and Heather and Meg and Haley. I miss seeing Cara everyday. I need Essara to help me make everything better. I miss Tonia and Cameron and Tina and John. They all were such a huge part of what I did at the Resort. Being home without them isn't the same.
In how many other blog posts do I remind myself that life will continue on and it's how I deal with it that will be key? I'm not turning to food to make today 'better', but I am feeling sad and overwhelmed and tired. May be that's just today.
Thank god tomorrow is a new day. Shake it off.
To me...shake it the F off. You did this to yourself and now you have to deal with it. Do want to die early? Not enjoy your life? Push people away? Do you want to be that sad, miserable, pathetic fat girl that hides behind food? NO! Of course you don't. Why would you? You have this great life filled with people that are supporting you. What the F is wrong with you? All this shit in the world...poverty, disease...and you sit here on your couch in your home crying over 'it's so hard' bullshit. STOP. Get yourself together and do this. Go. Now.
Throw something out everyday. Clutter can cause a complete breakdown.