Day 3. Wednesday. No longer hump day. It's now 'destroy you until you think you are going to die' day.
Kickboxing. First time ever. Some serious shit. I kicked the crap out of several people today on that punching bag and will be looking for a kickboxing class upon my return. My knuckles have abrasions and arms are soar, but the aggression I was able to release was much more effective and legal than actually killing someone. Before I leave, I plan on kicking the bag so hard it tips over onto the floor.
We learned about intuitive eating today. I am a chaotic eater, an unconscious eater, an emotional eater, and a refuse not eater. No wonder, right? A chaotic eater has no routine and frequently skips meals. They are over scheduled and eat on the run. No memory of how much or what they eat and they never plan ahead. The unconscious eater eats while doing other things like watching TV. They eat whatever is available and don't notice when they are full. The emotional eater uses food to cope with their feelings. The refuse not eater rarely refuses food ever when full. Yeah, that's me.
I learned today that in the 2 weeks I am here I will be detoxed from my food addiction, however, the addictive pathways in my brain with still exist. I will just develop new pathways of healthy eating. I know this journey has just started for me, but I must admit I feel terrified about coming home and failing. Essara, the life coach, asked me if I love myself. Hard question when my feet, legs, lower back and arms feel like death, but initially I said no. As we talked more about it, I realized I love certain things about me...I try to be a good person, live with integrity, my work ethic, my years of public service and the devotion I have to my family. What I don't love is exactly why I am here making a change. I don't love that I am obese, lazy, anxious, depressed, unhealthy and unmotivated. What I don't love most is that I have trouble dealing with all my emotions. I binge to deal with everything. I believe the key to my success will be acknowledging the emotion, finding the source and coping with it constructively. I fear that I have dug myself so deep that returning home will be extremely hard, but life goes on. People don't live at the Biggest Loser Resort. I will return home to the same busy, hectic lifestyle I left four days ago. Everyday until I leave for home I will prepare myself mentally, physically and emotionally to continue my journey. I talk with other guests about their struggles and realize there are so many people just like me. I hiked with a woman name Vicki today from Canada and we think the same way about food. It makes everything better especially if it involves sauces like ranch, butter, ketchup and gravy. And no meal is complete without a lot of soda. She said it's good we don't live close to each other. Butter will never take away my anxiety. Cake will not relieve any fears. Diet Coke will not prevent hard days. Life is not always easy. I will have hard days filled with anger and tears, but it's how I cope with these days that will ensure my success. I want to live a long happy life with choices I make for myself. These days my weight has been making choices for me. That is no way to live.
I want to be healthy more than I love food. And that's a lot.
To the makers of duct tape, I owe you my first born. Duct tape is used at the Resort to prevent blisters on feet during hikes. Since I have to hike every freakin' day, I have saved my feet by this sticky gray tape. Thank you duct tape. I heart you.
To Essara...I adore you. I will be using your 'food police' strategy upon returning home. (Food police are those sweet people that point out every little thing I put in my mouth and put me on blast for eating it. Luckily, I have few people in my life that do this, but to those that do or are thinking about doing it, you may only call me out if I am eating something actually unhealthy at rapid pace and you may only say 'Is everything ok?'. Anything else and I will shit on your bed. I am already hard on myself I don't need you to make me feel worse.)
To Ryan Dennis Garcia, thank you for the texts. I was seriously on the brink of a complete breakdown after the most ridiculous hike ever today (2 words: stairs and sand). I had 3 minutes to either lay on my bed or pee so I laid on the bed, read a text and immediately got up and said "WIN THE MUTHA'EFFIN DAY"
To me: You can do this. You are worth it. You are loved. Supported. Prayed for and thought of. Realize how much there is to do with this life, this one life you have to live. Don't spend the rest of your life unhealthy. Be aware. Stay present. Live. Live. Live.