Betty: This is so much more than oatmeal and ellipticals. {Part 2}

To those of you reading, thank you. Also, to my friends and family, there may be some things you read here that you never knew about me. This is hard to put out there, but I appreciate your unconditional love and support more than words can express.

To those of you that don't know me well...I am a proud native San Franciscan, a sister, a daughter, a partner, an aunt, a friend, a paramedic, a devoted reality TV fan, a sparkling water drinker, a Taurus, a professional texter, a lover of sleep and a person in need of a huge change.

So why the blog...why tell you any of this? Accountability. This will not be easy. I need all the support I can get.

My weight. What can I say...I live big. Big personality, big laughs, big goals. And there's always been a big waste band. I have been blessed with family and friends that love me unconditionally and without that I don't think I would be who I am now, however, I suffer from obesity. A disease completely preventable. I rarely let on that I have issues with my weight as I am a fairly confident about the person that I am. I try to be a good person and take pride in my integrity, loyalty and public service. I vowed to myself when I was young that I would make an impact on the people that come into my life and the work that I do. That vow, however didn't include a 300 pound impact. I admit I am an emotional eater. Food makes me happy and takes all the problems away...at least for a little while which then just requires more food. Before I know it, I am 31 and unhealthy. A little bigger than most people, weight has been part of my entire life. I managed to be one of those "healthier overweight" people most of my twenties, gaining slowly. I lost and gained lots of weight many times. I don't believe there was one definitive moment that pushed me overboard, but the struggle clearly became harder. I began suffering from anxiety. Anxiety about everything I could not control which impacted the things I could control...my weight. I lose sleep and feel exhausted the next day. I worry and stress about so many things. Work and school and family. Are my sisters happy? Are my parents happy? How can I take away the things that they struggle with so they can be happy? I get anxious about their futures and ironically, their health. I worry about bad things happening to them. I worry that I won't be there when they need me. Am I ever going to be done with school? Who's watching the kids? What certifications are expiring soon that I need to renew? Am I doing a good enough job at work? Most of these concerns are normal for people, but the difference is I eat to deal with my anxiety. More than just losing weight and living a healthy life, I must focus on the root causes of my problems. This is so much more than oatmeal and ellipticals. It's finding peace and contentment with who I am and what I do and understanding there are things beyond my control. 

It's time to take control of my life and I am done with this shit. Done shopping in the phat girl section, done being self-conscious, done not having my outside look like the person inside and done dying. It's time to live.

I am a fan of the Biggest Loser. The show and the people connected to the show inspire regular people like me to get off their asses and make a change. Sometimes that change needs a swift kick to get in gear so I talked my sister into trying out for the Biggest Loser show which we did not make, however whether we made the show or not, change was on the horizon. Cara's birthday sparked it (Thank you, RDG). We spent one afternoon going back and forth about plans and dates and booked our 2 week stay at the Biggest Loser Resort in Malibu, CA. It is time to spend 2 weeks on ourselves. We will work harder than our hardest day and learn lessons more valuable than any lesson learned before. We will return on December 10, 2011 to our busy lives filled with long days, kids and school, but there is no going back. Nothing will be the same ever again. I recognize, for me, this is a lifestyle change. I will always have to be aware and responsible for my health and choices. It's go time.

Two weeks. Our phat chance.

A few shout out's...

Nicole (aka Noochie, Auntie McCool), I wish you were coming with us. You are as much a part of this journey as anyone. The dedication you have to your health is an inspiration. I have my own personal trainer with you beside me. I love you more every day of my life.

Kian, I wish you were with us. You inspire me every day to work harder. I will teach you everything we learn.

Nani...I carry your heart. I carry your heart in my heart. Thank you for loving me.

Mommy...Thank you for believing in me even when I don't. I can't say anything else without crying.

Murr (aka Cara)...sister, this is it. This is our phat chance. We have invested in our lives and it's time. Though we each have our own struggles to overcome, I am honored to do this with you. I am your #1 fan and will push you to the ends of the Earth. I love you more than bread and butter, yellow cake with chocolate frosting and sleeping til noon. Here we go.