To quote myself from the first blog posting, "this is so much more than oatmeal and elliptical". It's mental. It's emotional. It's figuring out why and what has allowed myself to be unhealthy and completely out of control. Without attention to mental health, this journey will end the same way all my other attempts at weight-loss ended...EPIC FAILURE. I am very aware my emotional eating and anxiety are the reason for my weight so I made an appointment with Essara for "Planning Strategies Life Coaching". First of all, she is amazing. It's hard for anyone to admit their vulnerability, but she exudes compassion and dedication to personal success. What became clear is the fact that I neglect myself, I have a food addiction and much of my anxiety is caused by things that I have no control over. I do a lot of "time travel" meaning my mind races with thoughts of what has happened and what might happen. Constantly stressing over how things could have been different and how things could be different in the future. To "relieve" some of the stress I have, I eat. I binge eat. Food makes everything better...for a little while and then I need more food to keep me from dealing with any negative emotion. I would eat when I wasn't even hungry just to take away anxiety, fear, anger, sadness and stress. In order to overcome this vicious cycle, I must allow emotions to happen. Feel the fear and anger. But instead of eating it all away, Essara helped me develop some other options. First, being aware of what is causing the emotion, especially time travel. Second, communicate with someone about how I'm feeling, which can also include journaling. I need to make a conscious effort to live in the present and be me. One thing I have in favor is that I am usually very aware of my emotions. I have actually said "I am eating this because I am anxious". Like I said last blog, if I ever do this again, SHOOT ME BETWEEN THE EYES. I avoid everything uncomfortable and find comfort in food. Bad food. But no more. I refuse to allow myself to do this to myself ever again.
I must be better about time management. Focusing on me and my life. Not everyone elses. My life must involve time for me. Time for a healthy, happy life. I have not been happy. Miserable actually and I don't let many people come even close to knowing that. I avoid. I must have boundaries for myself. This is just the beginning of my journey, but unlike every attempt before this journey will not end. This is the start of the life I want. The life I deserve.
I will be meeting with Essara again. These 2 weeks are about preparation to return home. Everyday I learn something knew about myself, food and exercise. I will be successful. I will make time to be successful because I am worth it.
About today, I really hate hiking though I intend on making it a part of my life after I leave here, I HATE HIKING. Cara says it's because of the unknown. I say it's because of the uneven ground, bugs, dirt, and hills. I recognize this is about me getting out of my comfort zone so this will be the last complaint I have about hiking. Just know the smiles you see in hiking pictures are all fake.
I am so thankful for the conversations with the trainers in between classes. Once again, Tonia has blown me away. In between two of the hardest classes today, I sat with her for a few minutes and feel so grateful for her tenacity and investment. Though, I am terrified about the next class I have with her as I know she will find me and just destroy me. I am thankful.
My shout outs:
Aunt Debbie...thank you for your words. They mean so much to me and can't wait to see you when I get back.
Jessica the Nutritionist...amazing. Thank you for everything you have taught me about food. Right when I think I know everything about food. I am so much more aware. So grateful.
To my new friends: Kelly, Meg, Z, Susan, Keith, and Sandi (just to name a few), I find such relief knowing that I am not the only one that feels like I was hit by a hiking van.
To my Body Bugg...I burned over 5,000 calories today and was able to push myself harder just to see my number rise. Who am I? I would have never said that before coming here. Weird.
And to Cameron the morning stretch trainer, your morning dedication song got me through the entire day. "Don't worry about a thing. 'Cuz every little thing is gonna be alright"-Bob Marley
Exhausted. Would rather pee the bed then get up right now. Tomorrow is a new day. It's go time.