One month ago, Cara and I stood in front of a group of amazing women led by the one and only, Menne Hall to commit to goals for 2013. We have joined a group called She’s Now or Never and it could not have come at a better time. The purpose of the group is to find support in reaching goals you set for yourself, but many goals are not reached because of a true lack in living the fit life. Health can limit you or thrust you forward. For me and many of the women in She’s Now or Never, our health has held us back, stopped us from moving forward and accomplishing goals we set for ourselves. This has left us with a sense of fear and failure that is hard to overcome. Joining this group allows me and my fellow SNN sisters to come together and find that balance in living a healthy lifestyle. We bravely stood before each other and read our commitment letters aloud confirming our vulnerability and most importantly the accountability that goes into such tasks. However, since the commitment ceremony, I have found myself struggling.
Many overweight people say they look forward to fitting on roller coasters once they reach their goal weight or at least find themselves small enough to wait in line and make an attempt, however who knew starting a weight loss journey would mean every day is a roller coaster ride? After all this, I have had enough of the twists and turns and jolts and my arms are sore from holding them in the air. There are days I find myself ready to be done with the ride. I want to wave the roller coaster operator down to stop the ride, raise the safety bars and let me get the f*&k off.
I hit a wall around Christmas and though, I am still on this damn roller coaster of a weight loss journey, there were a couple attempts made at waving down the operator. I find myself waiting for something to click. I envision this light switch that exists within the minds and bodies of healthy fit people that flips on at some point to illuminate their path to this fit life I so desperately want to live in, but nonetheless, I am not sure I even have this switch in me, let alone a light to find my way. This may sound depressing and distant, but this shit isn’t easy. I am still pushing, still fighting, but I am struggling. I still deal with residual food addiction issues and find myself eating for wrong reasons. It may be carrots, but my relationship with food is still a part of my journey that has not flipped that switch.
What I know is that I feel better than I did over 100 pounds ago and I don’t want to lose that. I can clearly remember the first day I started my journey at the Biggest Loser Resort and it was a feeling….a nightmare that I can still taste. I felt like I was going to die and though my trainer may push me that hard now, I know it’s not as hard as it was at 361 pounds.
What I know is that I have met more people that understand and support me in the last year than I have in the last 10 years and that is simply amazing. Instead of hiding behind a disease, I am standing in front of my past and will never look back.
What I know is that this damn roller coaster is all part of the journey. I must feel all the ups and downs and twists and turns in order to exit the ride with a true sense of what it means to be a healthy person in control.
What I know is that I used to not be able to touch my elbow to my knee during bicycle crunches and now I can. Every time.
What I know is that I can see and feel a change in my body that makes me proud.
What I know is that change equals a chance to get it right. A phat chance.
Menne…thank you for your selfless service. I admire you and the work you do for others. SNN exists because you followed your vision and persisted until you accomplished your goal. That’s what this is all about. Reaching my goals seems so much more attainable when I have a strong woman showing me it can be done.
Cara…we recommitted on January 26, 2013 to what we know and trust. Look at how far we have come and how much we have done. I am so proud of you and your skinny body. Trust the process.
To me: I know the conversations you have inside that head of yours and some days they are sad. You are just a girl that wants to be happy. You mean no harm and want to do well for yourself and the people in your life. Sometimes you make it harder than it needs to be. Sometimes you forget that a positive mental attitude can change everything. Don’t forget how you started, why you started and what you have done to get here now. Recognize you can’t make everyone happy. Just focus on you and your goals and life will fall into place. It’s a damn roller coaster so raise your arms up, open your eyes and go with it. There will be shit days, but you would rather have shit days than no days. It’s now or never.