{Change}

Before today, I was always told there is a much stronger person inside all of us. After today, I know there is. Our hikes are getting harder, longer and steeper. Classes are more intense. Lectures make more sense. And physically, I can feel myself changing. 

However, I struggled more on the hike today than any other day. I was so tired, winded, and sore before we even arrived. Sarah Nitta (Season 11) was on our hike again today and I think she knew something must have been bothering me because she asked me how I was feeling and what was wrong. I replied with 'I'm angry'. I'm angry for allowing myself to get to this point in my life. I know why and how I got to this point and I am angry. Ashamed. Embarrassed. I think these emotions surface on the hikes because I can feel how hard it is on my body to get to the top. My feet and knees are screaming and my back is pissed off. Emotionally, it breaks me down. Sarah and I have much in common and she said that Cara and I are in very different places. Cara is more physical and I am more mental. Neither are easy, but very different. We both have long, difficult paths ahead of us. Working on the mental side of things, I had my final meeting with Essara, the life coach today. 

Essara is the key to my success. The mental side. Our meeting today focused on preparation for home. Essara knows things about me that I am not sure I have articulated to anyone else and it is clear that my success at home will take a lot of work. But without a doubt, I am ready. The anxiety, anger, frustrations and fear I feel will not just go away. To maintain some confidentiality, I have decided not to discuss what and who are my biggest triggers, because those triggers may not change. It's how I deal with these triggers. Prior to the Biggest Loser Resort, I ate to cope with the emotional responses I have to these triggers. Now I must be aware of the triggers, the emotions I feel because of them and then use one of the coping mechanisms to get through it. Removing myself, breathing, journaling, crying, screaming, talking to someone, meditating, exercise. Food can not be a coping mechanism. 

The return home will not be easy. I will have some really hard days, but I am way further ahead now than I was back on November 27th when we first arrived here. My journey has just begun and I am excited to take everything I have learned home. 

I have my first session of acupuncture today with Taylor. I told her all about me and focused the treatment on my sleeping issues, anxiety, and weight loss. I felt a serene sense of peace during the treatment and want to find an acupuncturist in the Bay.

Shout outs:

Meg....I know you are hurting today, but what a trooper. You inspired me so much during Cardio Intervals today as I look over at you destroying that treadmill. You are such a strong woman. Finale in May for sure.

John...that Cardio class had that energy and intensity because of you. I ran on the treadmill for both rotations. Thank you for all that you do and the investment you have in all of us. 

Tips of the day:

Try acupuncture. 

You can do way more than you think. Just try it.

Yogurt does not replace whipped cream, but it's pretty close. 

Listen to 'Don't You Know You're Beautiful' by Seabird