Betty's Day 4

I can't frickin believe it's already Thursday. I have done more in four days than I have done in my entire life. Part of it feels good and part of it feels like I was beat with a baseball bat. Either way, I am taking control of my life and I am happy with that.

They say while you are at the Resort at some point many people have emotional break downs. I have not had a complete break down (yet), but I did struggle emotionally today. A song came on during stretch that made me think of the love of my life and I dropped a few tears. I think about the fact that I am so blessed to have someone who loves me enough to stand beside me even when I don't love myself or show love to her. I have not been an equal partner and can't seem to forgive myself for that just yet. Monica has stood beside my meltdowns, binges, frustrations, tears, avoidance, fear and failures. And what do I do for her? Drive her through for fast food, decline activity and allow her to keep our home together all by herself. Doesn't seem like something I would stick around for. But she has and I will be forever grateful for the love and support she gives me.

Gerry and Estella, a couple from Biggest Loser season 7 spoke at lunch today and I literally cried from the moment I entered the room and saw there 'before' pictures. I walked past Estella just before the talk started and without any prompt she said "I believe in you and you can do this". What a moment. There is nothing like seeing an ordinary person just like me be successful. People can do this. I can do this. I was one of those people that said "tomorrow" or "Monday". The day is today. There is no going back.

During Treading today, I almost died. Ok, may be I didn't really almost die, but I felt like I was going to throw up, pee, shit my pants and fall on the floor. But instead, I cried. I was prompted to push away all of the hard feelings I have about myself and realize my worth. I have trouble dealing with the fact that I allowed myself to be unhealthy. I did this to myself. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and feel not worthy of love from me or anyone else. I am working through these emotions, but it is so hard. How did I not see this happening? I just kept shoveling the dirt out of my grave, getting closer and closer to something really bad happening. I am a paramedic that has seen what happens to unhealthy people. I have treated a 35 year old female having a heart attack. I have treated an obese 22 year old type 2 diabetic. I have done CPR on a 38 year old obese female with a history of severe hypertension. I know what happens. I know the consequences, yet I have eaten more fast food, sugar, salt and calories to last 2 lifetimes. I am not ready to die. But I will die much sooner if I don't make this change now.

I can hardly believe I am actually here doing this for myself. So many times I have tried. Signed up, gone to meetings, planned my food, tried to be aware. So what's different now? I have cried wolf many times. Why would anyone believe that I would be successful? Why should I believe in myself? BECAUSE I AM MUTHA EFFIN WORTH IT! That's why. This is my journey. My life. I do this for me. The time is now.

Shout out's:

Nancy, my hiking guide today, reminds me so much of my mom. She is so active, so loving, so giving, so encouraging. I walked and tried to talk (tried being the key word...I am so out of breath, I can barely stay alive let alone carry on a convo), anyway, Nancy encourages me and I am so thankful.

Noochie (aka Nicole, sister)...sing with me.

"The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness"

Everyday I forgive myself a little more. I love you more than I hate hiking. And that's a lot.

To Suzie Barbee, Sarah Fong, Lucas Muncal, Kara Vassily, Johnny O'Donnell...thank you for following us and commenting. It really helps to know our co-workers/friends support us this much. AMR peeps...you are all loved so much by us.  

Monica, love of my life...I just outed us to lot's of people for the first time so get ready. I am so sorry for not being the partner you deserve, but the greatest gift I have ever received is your unconditional love. You have seen all the bad, all the binges, all the anxiety, all the stress, all the frustrations and yet, you still love me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving me everyday even when you might not like me. I do this for me, for you, for us. You are why I wake up everyday. I give me more than I deserve, but know that there is not one second that goes by that I am not so thankful. This is our life to live and I can't wait for it. Without you, I am without. I love you more than fresh ice, sleeping in, and TV.