Momma said there would be days like this...
My pitty party is coming to a slow end. Not quite over yet. These last couple of days have been a struggle for me. I always try to step back and see if the problem is me. (I can be quite the jerk at times) What I have realized is that prior to going to the Biggest Loser I was content with my life. Content in the sense that my routine maintained itself. Long work days, lots of work worries, no exercise at all, bad sleep, poor internal communication and lots of really bad food. Pretty much completely fucked. Then I get to the Resort and I'm forced to really look at the life I was living and see the life I could live and make a choice. Literally, between living and dying. On several hikes, I often thought about death. Usually, because I felt like I was dying or would may be rather die than ever hike again, but nonetheless, death is a mere fact of life. As I've heard a lot recently, we don't leave this earth alive. I'm not going to get all 'morbid paramedic' on you but I will say that though, I have seen a lot of death, I suffer from complete anxiety over my own or anyone I know. On these hikes, I'd think about how if I died from an obesity related disease, knowing that I caused it myself, that everything I believe in about myself would mean so little. I pride myself on 2 things: my integrity and work ethic. I am far from perfect and am no poster child, but I do know who I am. I know what's important to me and it's my word and my work. And no one with my tenacity, honesty, compassion and fierce investment in my family, friends and work would EVER allow some bullshit to stop them from living as long as they damn well please. So coming home to a life I wasn't really living and now need to flip upside down has been a lot to deal with. But it's getting easier.
I choose life. And all it's good and bad days.
Update: I have lost a total of 27lbs in 5 weeks. I have been letting my foot heal so my workouts have been light. This week I will pump them up. It's go time.
Shout outs:
Dylan and Jonna...Happy New Year Farks! Thank you for ringing in the new year once again. You both are such inspirations to me. I feel renewed after seeing you and am reminded of how lucky I am to have you as friends. You make me want to be the best person I can be and I will forever cherish you.
2011: what a piece of crap year (until November when we got to the Resort). You were filled with lots of sadness, low self esteem and stress. I'm so glad you are over.
2012! Geez, finally. Welcome! This is gonna be my year. I'm living my life and no one else's. I'm going to be thankful for everyday I wake up. My commitment to myself and all the people that support me is to lose the weight of a large dog from my body and to be mindful of every moment that journey has.
To me: I believe in you. You're a badass inside now make the outside match.
Tips:Planning your food when your invited to a dinner party can be tough. I planned to use my 10% only because I wasn't sure what was being served. But it was great! I ate a snack before I left the house so I would feel too hungry. A chicken and rice dish was served. Nothing fried. No cheese or excess butter. Cooked in a pot and in the oven. I had 1 taste of a small yummy cheesy pesto potato appetizer and 1 glass of champagne (my 1st alcoholic bev in well over a month). I had a small serving of dinner with green beans and salad. I planned on having dessert, but decided to pass last minute as I still felt full from dinner. Who the F am I?
It was a success. I finished 2011 strong.
I wish everyone reading this blog an amazing 2012 filled with mindful choices and life changes.
My pitty party is coming to a slow end. Not quite over yet. These last couple of days have been a struggle for me. I always try to step back and see if the problem is me. (I can be quite the jerk at times) What I have realized is that prior to going to the Biggest Loser I was content with my life. Content in the sense that my routine maintained itself. Long work days, lots of work worries, no exercise at all, bad sleep, poor internal communication and lots of really bad food. Pretty much completely fucked. Then I get to the Resort and I'm forced to really look at the life I was living and see the life I could live and make a choice. Literally, between living and dying. On several hikes, I often thought about death. Usually, because I felt like I was dying or would may be rather die than ever hike again, but nonetheless, death is a mere fact of life. As I've heard a lot recently, we don't leave this earth alive. I'm not going to get all 'morbid paramedic' on you but I will say that though, I have seen a lot of death, I suffer from complete anxiety over my own or anyone I know. On these hikes, I'd think about how if I died from an obesity related disease, knowing that I caused it myself, that everything I believe in about myself would mean so little. I pride myself on 2 things: my integrity and work ethic. I am far from perfect and am no poster child, but I do know who I am. I know what's important to me and it's my word and my work. And no one with my tenacity, honesty, compassion and fierce investment in my family, friends and work would EVER allow some bullshit to stop them from living as long as they damn well please. So coming home to a life I wasn't really living and now need to flip upside down has been a lot to deal with. But it's getting easier.
I choose life. And all it's good and bad days.
Update: I have lost a total of 27lbs in 5 weeks. I have been letting my foot heal so my workouts have been light. This week I will pump them up. It's go time.
Shout outs:
Dylan and Jonna...Happy New Year Farks! Thank you for ringing in the new year once again. You both are such inspirations to me. I feel renewed after seeing you and am reminded of how lucky I am to have you as friends. You make me want to be the best person I can be and I will forever cherish you.
2011: what a piece of crap year (until November when we got to the Resort). You were filled with lots of sadness, low self esteem and stress. I'm so glad you are over.
2012! Geez, finally. Welcome! This is gonna be my year. I'm living my life and no one else's. I'm going to be thankful for everyday I wake up. My commitment to myself and all the people that support me is to lose the weight of a large dog from my body and to be mindful of every moment that journey has.
To me: I believe in you. You're a badass inside now make the outside match.
Tips:Planning your food when your invited to a dinner party can be tough. I planned to use my 10% only because I wasn't sure what was being served. But it was great! I ate a snack before I left the house so I would feel too hungry. A chicken and rice dish was served. Nothing fried. No cheese or excess butter. Cooked in a pot and in the oven. I had 1 taste of a small yummy cheesy pesto potato appetizer and 1 glass of champagne (my 1st alcoholic bev in well over a month). I had a small serving of dinner with green beans and salad. I planned on having dessert, but decided to pass last minute as I still felt full from dinner. Who the F am I?
It was a success. I finished 2011 strong.
I wish everyone reading this blog an amazing 2012 filled with mindful choices and life changes.
Great job on the NYE food! I didn't do quite as well, but that was my last drink feat for awhile :-)
ReplyDeleteYou have got MINDFUL CHOICES down girl!! GO YOU!!! You are BADASS!! Love you! Thanks for supporting me on my journey even when you are fighting for your own life.. in the end, we are ALL in this together....holding on to dear life and LIVING!!! Come to AZ ASAP, I need a good laugh!
ReplyDeleteA W S O M E!!!!!!!!! ;)
ReplyDelete