I have been having some trouble with my writing recently. Though Cara and I write this blog as a journal for ourselves, we also write for our readers and I don't want to bore you. However, like with most things in my life...I got this. Here we go...
This season of the Biggest Loser on NBC, season 13, is about no more excuses. I hate to admit, but I am just one gigantic excuse. I have lied to myself many times about the true reality of my life and not only am I trying everyday to not ever do that again, I am also trying to forgive myself for it. This blog post is about traveling your own journey.
Cara and I talk about "our journey's" a lot. I sit here and wonder what it means to me so that I can better explain where I am coming from when I refer to it. We are all individuals living our own lives. Even if your a mom or a partner in a huge family where you can barely find yourself, we are each responsible for ourselves and our choices. NO MORE EXCUSES. Like Arthur Wornum from BL11 said, "Bad news: only you can change your life. Good news: only YOU can change your life". I made the bad decisions that lead me to an unhappy, unhealthy life and I own that fact. Even with a food addiction, I refuse to use that as an excuse. No more excuses. No one tied me up and fed me McDonald's. After multiple half assed attempts, I made the good choice to fight to get my life back. Whether you make it to the Biggest Loser Resort or not, YOU are responsible for your life. For your health. For your happiness. No one else is. Not your spouse, your mom or dad, sister, or friends. Just you. That simple thought gives me comfort and fear all that the same time. Comfort in the fact that I know who I am and who I want to be in this world. I am confident in myself and the tenacity I have within me. But fear in the fact that for me, it's life and death. I don't want to fail and for anyone who has been addicted to something, that is a true and unfortunately terrifying reality. There have been Biggest Loser contestants that have lost hundreds of pounds, but gained everything back and had to start all over. I would like to say that when I lose my 150 lbs that I will never go back, but I am fairly sure that no one who loses weight intends on doing it just for fun nor plans on returning to their unhealthy state. What I know is that this will be a life long journey that I travel daily. I mist believe in myself.
So back to the journey definition...what does that really mean? Whether you have a weight problem or not, everyday you wake up, you have choices to make. Your journey involves how you look at the world, who you are/want to be in this world, your own internal communication with yourself and a constant state of mindfulness.
How I look at the world: shit is gonna happen. There is no way around it. Things are not always going to go as planned or as you hope. Even if nothing seems out of place in your life, things happen. I lose my chap stick about 40 times a day and pretty much lose my shit looking for it. This small stupid event can cause my mood to change and food fixes my mood. It's just effin chap stick. Go get another one or just lick your damn lips. The key is to look at the world and things that happen to you in a manner that puts things in perspective for you. I have seen lots of death and yet still flip couches over looking for chap stick. Really?
Dumbass. I recognize this is on the extreme
end of insignificance and that many hardships happen to people everyday.
But it's all in how you look at the world. It's all in how you deal
with the shit that hits the fan. As I have mentioned before, I suffer
from a lot of anxiety. I don't have anxiety attacks nor can your really
tell when you meet me, but if you saw me looking for my chap stick, you
would totally run in the other direction fast. I become manic almost,
but have learned how to step back. I am consciously trying to look at
the world differently.
Have patience for things that don't go the way you plan.
Have compassion for every single person no matter who they are or how you know them. Everyone has their own struggles. Who am we to judge.
The way you react to things will have a lasting affect on you and will set an example. Things are going to happen. It's all in how you deal.
Forgive. Forgive yourself. Forgive other people. Holding on to anything is exhausting.
Who you are in this world: This has always been a thinking point for me. Even back in high school. Who do I want to be in this world? What kind of person, doing what kind of work? It is important for me to feel like I am taking full advantage of my strengths. Strengths being things that are weaknesses for others. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and for the most part, my health. So many others to do not have any of those things. I want to be someone who gives back. I have been blessed with a great life so that I may help those who haven't. I find peace in public service even amongst the ciaos. People need. They need support, shelter, food, medical help. Who I am in this world is what is meant to be. I work with a lady named Judy and we have had some really reflective conversations since I have been back from the Resort. Last week we talked about a question Anthony Robbins, famous inspirational speaker and author, purposed...Who are you?
He says, "You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision to you will ever make. Forget the past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully".
Only you know who you are and who you want to be. No one else. It's your journey.
Your internal communication with yourself: I learned this at the Resort. The most important relationship you have is with yourself. And with any important relationship, communication is the key to success. Disusing things with yourself helps put things in perspective and can act as a little filing cabinet. Remember how you feel, think about what means the most and cheer yourself on. Though, I know I did talk to myself before the Resort, I can't quite remember anything about it. I am now in constant communication with myself. I don't physically talk to myself, but I do go through things in my mind constantly. Mindfully. Which leads me to my constant state of mindfulness.
My journey is a very mental one. My weight problems have been the result of emotional triggers that I have allowed to happen. My coping mechanism for the shitty fan has always been food. Some are learned habits, but most are conscious choices that I make for myself. I talk a lot about being mindful and it because this is a major factor in my success. I must be mindful of what I am doing. As Essara, the BLR life coach described, I am a time traveler. I think about everything that has happened or things that will happen, never what is happening right now. I have avoided living in the present because for so long because the present has always sucked. I hated how I felt, how I looked and it was all too much to even want to deal with. Food was the remedy and weight gain was the result. I must live in the present. It's happening now and flying by. I swear I was just 21 years old. Now 31, I feel like I have lost some of my life time traveling. To live, is to live now. Mindfully. It is working for me. Though, I do catch myself time traveling regularly, I make a conscious effort to be present. The time is now.
My one warning about the "my journey" philosophy...be careful not to use it as an excuse. Don't eat a burger because 'it's your journey'. Do what's right for you. Make the right choices for you. Don't live to please anyone else. Don't live other people's lives. Live your own life. NO MORE EXCUSES!
Update: I lost 4 pounds this week, for a total of 35 pounds. I wore a pair of jeans out Friday night that were 2 sizes SMALLER than what I wore back on November 27th. This shit is happening. Trust the mutha effin process.
Dad...you are doing so well and I am so proud. Badda Bing.
Jennifer Rumple (BL12 at home winner!), you are my inspiration. Such a strong, lovely woman you are. Thank you for all your words of wisdom and kindest support.
Kara Vassily...let me first tell all of you, Kara works with me and has been so supportive since day one. She has invited Cara and I to a workout day with her and a trip to our local farmers market which we can't wait for! She also left me a bunch of organic meyer lemons and 2 hour playlist of some of her favorite workout jams with a lovely note. Kara, it all means the world to me. Thank you.
Kevin Ronan...another amazing friend at work...you remind me of the fire I have inside me. What I know is that NO ONE is going to stand in my way. No one. Thank you for lighting me up. Get that hustle on son.
Victor Cruz...you may live in San Diego, but you are my workout partner. I can't tell how important your daily workout agenda texts are and you cheering Cara and me on along the way. You are truely living. I aspire to do just that. Thank you. Peace and love to you, too.
Ryan Dennis Garcia...brother-in-law...
Happy 40th Birthday! As
Cara and I started our journey's you did as well and I think you are
doing so well. You have always had control over your food so it dosn't
surprise that now the weight is falling off of you. You and Cara have so
much to live for and your babies are so lucky to have you. I am so
proud to call you my brother and support you every step of the way just
as you have done for me. WIN THE DAY!
Tips: Holy 10%. (Reminder: we are on the 90/10 plan. 90% of my meals I eat to exact calorie budget of 1400. 10% I get a treat.) I have not really used a true 10% since I have been back from the Resort, but this weekend has made up for it. No fear, I am in full control here and being very mindful about my food, but hot damn...I love me some 10%. This weekend has been a little more like 20-25%, but I worked out extra to make up a little for it buring 3225 calories on Friday and 4174 on Saturday. Friday, I had dinner out, but it was tapas small plates which really helps with portion control. I limited my alcohol intake...I feel like those calories are such a waste. Saturday, I had the most amazing food at Brunch Drunk Love at Bruno's in SF. If you are ever in the city, you must go! I will just say this...Mac and Cheese Spring Rolls.