{When I think of letting go…}

 by Betty

            This might be one of the most important days I will ever have on my journey and tonight, from my bed with ice on my knees and tears in my eyes I write about it to all of you.

(This was written on Thursday. To Betty, my apologies for the delay in getting this amazing Blog Post out to the world. They keep getting better and BETTER!)

There is nothing like looking back to day 1 and reflecting on all the work I have put into saving my life. Seeing change, especially good change in yourself feels like nothing else I have ever known. My dear BLR sis, Meg Gazaway posted a video that was taken of Cara and I on the Friday of our second week at the Biggest Loser Resort back in December 2011. I know it was Friday because the video is of Cardio Disco with trainer John Yohman at the Resort…only the greatest day ever on the Earth….Cardio Disco Fridays at the BLR. The video is short and shows both Cara and I acting like complete fools. It also shows Tara Costa from Biggest Loser Season 7 who was at the Resort with us and who also happens to be my Badass Girl Hero. I watched the video several times thinking about how much fun we had and how much I miss the Resort and friends we made. But more than that, I was blown away by how Cara and I looked. I won’t speak for her, but I could not believe that’s what I looked like. Literally, overwhelming. I watched it a couple more times and cried. I cried because I realized that this is working. All the sweat, sore muscles, spinach and extra lean ground fucking turkey are working. Part of me felt so relieved. I don’t look back on before pictures often because I am still far from being happy with what I see now. I have a long way to go and this journey is far from over, but knowing that I look so different from how I started gave me some validation. Much needed validation.

The other part of me fell apart. I look at the girl I used to be not long ago and I can’t fathom how I allowed myself to get that out of control. What the hell was I thinking? I was never in denial about my weight. I knew I was fat, unhealthy and wearing a really large size. I knew I needed more space than the person across from me in a booth. I knew I was completely addicted to fast food. And I knew I was extremely unhappy. What I didn’t know was how bad it actually was. I can’t believe in all my years of weight gain, especially this last year at my very heaviest weight did no one ever say anything to me about it? This is not me placing any blame on anyone. I take full responsibility for my weight, but 10 months ago I was ridiculous. I can’t even put it into words. I was a burger away from a freakin heart attack. How was I not bullied? How did my family not hire someone for an intervention? How did I keep any friends? How the hell did I allow that to happen to myself?

 I spent most of the day thinking about the video and looking at a side by side picture I created to stare at myself before and myself now. Even writing this now, I am shaking my head completely baffled. I feel like I don’t even know the girl in the before picture. Almost like I didn’t know her then either. Ten months ago I was just alive. Going through the motions. Dealing. Eating. Today, 10 months later, I feel like I am living. Committed. Mindful.

 

I am holding onto a lot of guilt that I must allow myself to release. I haven’t forgiven myself for losing time, eating all my emotions and packing on the weight. I feel guilty for making my family and friends see me unhealthy and unhappy. I haven’t forgiven myself for turning to food as my only coping mechanism in the hardest of times. I feel guilty for all the problems my weight and wallowing have caused. That was not a life. At my heaviest weight, I was just alive. I was not living and I am ashamed.

Seeing the video has really pushed me. I recognize that I have the food and fitness part pretty dialed right now, but none of that will last if I don’t get my mind right. It’s about forgiveness, acceptance, and the ability to have the courage to admit and confirm that I will never go back to that person I was 10 months ago. I will never go back.

I am letting go of that girl, that life, that weight, that guilt. I will never go back.

Update: I am just a few pounds away from a huge weight loss goal and will post it when it happens. I am on day 38 of 60 of my Shakeology Challenge and have never felt better. I can’t recall the last time I was officially in an XL t-shirt, but I am just about there. I feel stronger, cleaner, and happier. This journey has changed my entire life.

Shout outs:

Cara…Do you remember our first day at the BLR? I was terrified. That first damn hike at Malibu Creek? I thought I was going to die. I can’t believe we were so broken. That video is cray. We aren’t those girls anymore. We have been blessed with a life filled love and so many reasons to be thankful. You believed in me from Day 1 at the BLR and I will never be able to truly express how lucky I am to be your sister. You keep me inspired every single day. Going back to that life of the 2 girls in the video…PHAT Mutha Effin’ CHANCE.

I hiked (yes, I said hiked) Mission Peak with my trainer John Hebison. 5.49 miles. Half of it was at a 90 degree incline (slight over exaggeration, slight) and there was a real life tarantula on the path that literally almost caused a full on panic attack. I complained most of the way telling him how much I disliked him and hiking. It was damn hard, but it was way easier than all the hikes were with all my weight on me and I could feel the difference. Johnny, I love you for mere fact that there is no bullshit. You don’t carry me, you don’t baby me and you don’t let me quit. You have come into my life when I needed you most and I hope you never leave. Thank you for believing in me every step of the way, even when I can’t stand you. You’re a game changer.

Vanessa Turner…my new friend who booked 2 weeks at the Biggest Loser Resort after I told her my story. She is there now, week 1 and I can’t stop thinking about her. Vanessa, your courage inspires me. To take your life into your own hands and make a change takes more courage than most people know. I believe in you and can’t wait to hear all about it. Huge hugs to John Y, Tonia, Essara, Nancy, Amanda Fitz, Chile, Cam, Jake, Dr. Love and Pool Volleyball Fridays. Best time of my life.

Nooch…I dedicate this song to you. And to me because I cry just a little when I think of letting go.

Tips:  

Forgive yourself.