There are so many things I learn about myself every day. Maybe not learn like brand new learn, but rather I am reminded. I am in my second week of my new job at Kaiser and it is quite amazing. I was so nervous to leave what I had known and loved for so long for something new and what seemed so big. It is pretty big, but in just a few days, I have learned that leaving my comfort zone was the right decision for me. I am one of those people that likes everything to be comfortable so this little gem of discovery is rather huge.
I come home and literally race to change into my pj’s like my work clothes are on fire. I like to sit a certain way in a certain space on my couch. I like a lot of ice in my water. I have a pillow that I must have in order to sleep. I like my shower water a little on the cooler side.
Comfort has been my crutch for most of my adult life. I have feared change. Change is hard. Truth can be scary, but it can also change your entire life. The truth is that for many years I allowed myself to only be comfortable. If I ever felt uncomfortable, I would eat. Food provided me the comfort I wanted. Food also provided me with plus sized clothing, poor self-confidence, acne, gall bladder disease and many missed opportunities. The only thing I can say that I have on my side, is that there was not one day that went by where I wasn’t acutely aware of my health and weight. I never stopped thinking about it. I made many good faith attempts at trying to change myself, but it was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to workout. It was uncomfortable to eat healthy. And mostly uncomfortable to outwardly acknowledge my weight with anyone other than my own brain. I never talked about my shame or disgust with anyone. My weight was not ever an issue I felt comfortable talking about. Instead it became the little dark secret I would never share, but everyone could obviously see. Weight is not something you can hide. Obesity is a disease everyone knows I have which makes me feel even more lame for allowing myself to get so out of control. I allowed my family to see me lose control of myself. I don’t regret anything in my life thus far, other than that. So what’s different now? I ask myself this everyday to remind myself of the reasons I am on this journey. What’s different now is that I am present. I am not trying to comfort myself with food. I am learning how to cope with being uncomfortable without using food. And why am I ever uncomfortable? What is it that makes me uncomfortable? I am 32 years old. Eff uncomfortable. I work hard. I know what I want. I make it happen. I have a great family. I have a home. So what’s the big deal? Such a miserable little pity party I have been throwing for myself everyday for the last 10+ years. GET THE F*CK OVER IT, YOU LITTLE SNOT!
Pushing myself outside of my stupid, self-destructive comfort zone is what needed to happen. The Biggest Loser Resort is where it started and today, my choices are where it continues.
My choice to take the stairs instead of the elevator.
My choice to stop at Trader Joe’s instead of McDonald’s.
My choice to tell as many people about my journey as possible.
Starting this new job, I was nervous and worried that it would be bigger than I am capable of. My self-doubt made me question every aspect of it and today I realized that this was the best decision I could have made. Though, I adore AMR and miss it so very much, I was very comfortable there. Comfortable in the same atmosphere for the last 13 years of my working life. Returning home from the Resort, I feared relapse. Leaving AMR, I feared change. All of this was meant to happen. Opening a new chapter of my life with Kaiser has renewed my sense of work ethic and mental challenge. I am proud to come from AMR and proud to now work within Kaiser. I am proud that I have lost 68 pounds. I am proud that I am changing my relationship with food. I am proud that I am present.
To my Biggest Loser Resort Support Group (aka V34L)…You believe in me when I doubt myself. You cheer for me when I want to quit. You know me and love me still. I will forever be grateful to each of you for helping me save my life.
|Malibu Reunion. Check out one of our favorite blogs by Amanda Tyson.|
It can be really hard talking about your weight loss journey to complete strangers. But vulnerability and accountability make you stronger. I tell at least one person a day about my journey. I explain how it started and how I feel now. You will be surprised at the reactions people have. All very motivating and inspirational. Today, I had a long talk with an MRI Tech named Jan. She told me she had heard about my visit to the Biggest Loser from my boss. She had already looked it up online and was saving money to go herself. I told her it was worth every cent and that I would bring pictures with me next time I saw her. Everyone I tell reminds me that this journey is empowering and that I have people all around me who understand. It’s quite amazing really. Lose weight. Gain friends.