Time management or lack thereof, has always been something I seriously struggle with. You think my weight is my #1 battle…try getting me ANYWHERE on time. I am the worst. It is something I absolutely can’t stand about myself. I have the worst time management skills of anyone on the planet. I am not really sure why or how it started, but every moment of the day I find myself rushing. Rushing to get to work, rushing to make a meeting, rushing to get a paper in, rushing to find time to breathe. This broad generalization would normally be something I would just set aside and deal with, but it affects a lot of people around me. It affects my ability to be efficient, my stress level, should I be late (oh and it happens…even with the rushing) I may appear very unreliable, and most importantly it costs me the trust of the most important relationships I have in my life.
My best friend Kian, recently and tragically lost her brother. He had just turned 25 years old and a few days later didn’t wake up from his sleep. To know the love I have for Kian is to know true, unconditional, pure love, but you wouldn’t know that from my actions. We met working together at AMR and our friendship remained. She is a model friend. Comes to everything, remembers everything, is always there for me and knows me like no one else. I thought I knew friendship. Then I met Kian. We believe in the same foundations of friendship and integrity which makes her someone I need in my life. I need very few…I need Kian. I have been blessed with a partner and family who support me and are always there for me, and friends who know me and love me still, but my struggle with time management doesn’t allow me to support them the same way. This is why it must change. I must change.
Since Kian’s brother died, she has only seen me 3 times. It’s been a month and I have done little to support her. This absolutely breaks my heart. She is disappointed in me and that, I can not have. My word means everything to me and without it, I am without. When I became friends with Kian and many times throughout our relationship, I have vowed to be her rock. (After hiking Sandstone, I know rocks, and I have been far from a rock for Kian).
I chose to blog about this because time management is something I know I need in order to be successful in life and on my journey. Additionally, I blog about this because life happens and dealing with it is definitely part of my journey. I am quite disappointed in myself for letting Kian and many people down. I know I am not the best daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, partner, personal training client or friend, but I want to be. However, good intentions without action make it all crap. My weight loss journey is about living a healthy, happy lifestyle. It’s not about stress, rushing, or disappointment, for anyone. What I know is that I want to do well at work, in school, and with my journey…but mostly I want to be a good person for the people in my life. Nothing else really matters.
So my question/inquiry/proposal to anyone reading who tends to be spread too thin every day…how do you do it? I am looking for advice on how to balance my life. I work at Kaiser 5 days a week and it’s busy. I consult at my previous job, AMR whenever they need me. For now, it’s all by phone. I go to school online which includes 3 discussion questions, 2 papers, and about 100-200 pages of reading (with comprehension…that’s the key) a week. I work out 4-5 days a week for about an hour, but want that to be 6 days for 2 hours. I have 2 cats, a home, a family and friends that I really want to see and talk to regularly. Oh and I like to sleep. So how do I do this? Don’t ask me to cut back. Don’t tell me I am crazy. I have been blessed with this life and I need/want to live it. I invite any and all ideas/best practices. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org if you would like to send me an email rather than leave a comment.
In the meantime, I am going to start logging everything on a calendar. I will also try not allowing work to consume me. I will try to use any free time better than I have been instead of wasting it on bullshit. Back on November 27, 2011 when I started my journey, I vowed to myself to take back control of my life. This is part of that vow.
Kian…Rock and rib. That’s us. I am sorry that I have let you down. Intentions mean nothing when actions are crap. I am confident we will move past this and find a renewed sense of the love we have always had. I know that this month has flipped your world upside down. I can’t come close to understanding what it would be like to lose a sibling and I hope I never do, but I do know what’s it’s like to see your best friend hurt and it’s the worst thing I have ever been through. I know you will never ask for anything, but I am here. I love you more than life.
We are far from perfect. Own your shit when you know you are wrong and make it right. Do whatever it takes to make it right. To deny my faults, especially about something like this, sets me up for failure. And I, my dear readers, am an Italian, Irish, native San Franciscan, Biggest Loser Resort beast, who knows that life is short which means I DON’T FREAKIN FAIL.