{CHANGE}

I Am Changing.

I love getting into the holiday season for many reasons; one reason is the shopping and all the catalogs that come in the mail in volumes. Mother’s day is around the corner and several catalogs arrived…one of my fav’s Uncommon Goods has this cute little necklace that has an "I am" charm and then another charm with a word on it…"Complete", "Loved" etc. I have a birthday around the corner and was thinking how I might like to put this on a wish list, but then I stopped and tried to decide what my word would be.

In the last 5 and a half months my word has been amended many times over.

I am lost.

I am scared.

I am grateful.

I am committed.

I am sweaty.

I am healthier.

I am happy.

I began my journey at the Biggest Loser Resort back on November 27, 2011 with my sister Cara.  I was lost, scared and so unhealthy. I was grateful that I found myself ready to take control of my life. Committed was the only word I spoke to myself for the full 2 weeks in Malibu. It’s about eating less and moving more. I push myself until I am dripping with sweat. I have lost 60 pounds and I feel so much better. I have a ways to go, but I am so happy with where I am now.

I think back to the person I was just 5 months ago and can’t believe the mental transformation. The physical one is pretty significant too, but mentally, I am in a much better place. I still struggle with anxiety and coping with emotions I used to eat, but it’s not a switch I can flip. It is a process. And I trust the process. It’s not easy every day, but every day is good. I am worth it. I know this now.

I am supported.

The most important part of this journey and the part that means the most to me is my support group. My family has always been true fans even when there was nothing to cheer for. And my friends know me and love me still. Then I met this group of people from the Biggest Loser Resort…I know it is because of them and my 2 weeks that I am different now.  I met these people at the lowest point I have ever been in my life and they understood my struggle, my fears and truth. Beside them, I vowed to myself that I would take my life back and live. I have never been more vulnerable and humbled than I was during those two weeks and I will never be able to thank them for unconditionally supporting me, inspiring me and investing in me. On Sunday, Cara, Nicole and I leave for the Biggest Loser Finale in LA and we get to spend 3 days with our Biggest Loser Resort friends. I am beyond excited and feel like I need this reunion to remind me of how I started my journey, be proud of how far I have come and  return inspired to continue. I will see them and vow my commitment to myself once again. I need this trip and can’t wait to see all of them. Although, I can’t wait for the Finale and rooting on my friend and Biggest Loser #13 contestant, Mike Messina, I am also very anxious about next week approaching.

Announcement!

After 13 years with American Medical Response, I have accepted a new job with Kaiser Permanente. Not just any job…a huge major grown-up job as a Quality Manager. I am heartbroken about leaving AMR, but I could not be more humbled and honored to have been referred and selected for this position. I can’t begin to explain how much AMR and the SF staff means to me without breaking down sobbing, so I will spare this blog the details. My last day with AMR is May 4^th and my first day with Kaiser is May 7^th. I will be staying on with AMR as a consultant until I either fall over or they remove my key access. 

Either way, life is happening. 

Transforming.

I am changing. That’s my word.

Shout outs:

Cara and Nicole: YOU INSPIRE ME EVERYDAY. THANK YOU.

Kelly Potate! I tear up every time I remember you aren’t going to be in LA. Know that I will miss you, but will see your beautiful face soon. I love you more than sparkling water.

Michael…There are no words for my profound appreciation for the investment you have made in my life. Training with you has been the greatest gift I have ever given myself. Thank you for pushing me every day. Life by trainer.

MIKE MESSINA!!! I wish you the best life ever.

To me: the vow you made to yourself is unbreakable. Stay strong. Mindful. Your tenacity and perseverance will take you far. Leave AMR with a sense of pride and gratitude and move forward with Kaiser staying true to your integrity and work ethic. No matter what, never forget how brilliant your life is and all of the people who make it so. You are one lucky little B.

Tips:

This journey is still hard, but it’s getting easier. Food choices are becoming habit and I feel so much better after a workout. I never thought I would ever say this in my entire life, but I actually like spinning. I know…shock. And let me clarify, I don’t like every minute of it. Rolling hills and a level 10 out of the saddle and the constant ache in my butt bone aren’t all rainbows and sunshine, but I like the challenge of spinning. I push myself hard and burn almost 1000 calories in 50 minutes. It takes some courage to start, but I highly recommend trying it. Find what you like and do it. Just don’t stop.

BML