{Betty's AHA! Moment}

Intro by Cara

I think Brianne has mentioned that I handle the "IT" side of this blog. Editing, photo shopping, and posting. She writes I read and post and add a photo or two. I have to say that this next post, might be one of her best. Maybe because having these moments are so important, but mostly because while at the resort and even before I saw how vulnerable my sister was. Today, she has made such amazing steps forward in the mental game of this journey. I am so so proud of you. And I will NEVER give up on you. 

60 Days and a Major ‘AHA’

My biggest fear leaving the Resort last November was coming home and effin it all up. Though the Resort begins working with you the moment you arrive to prepare you for life at home, they have never dealt with me before. I have made many attempts at this weight loss thing. Weight watchers, The Lemonade Diet, Cabbage Soup, Atkins, starvation…all ended the same way…failure and 30+ extra pounds. This time is so different. There are many factors that go into this journey’s success, but I am telling you now, this is it. I have started something I am determined to see through and live out in my daily life until my last breath.

Today is Day 3 of a 60 Day Challenge I am a part of through my trainer, John aka Body By JHeb. It’s 60 days of some serious focus on clean food, exercise and Shakeology (Google it). Though just day 3, I have had a serious AHA moment. Yesterday, Mike Messina, the at home winner of Biggest Loser Season 13, told his story on a conference call where people across the country dialed in to hear him speak. It was one of the most inspiring stories to hear and this was my second time hearing it. He is several months out after winning the at home prize and has some new insight I want to share.

One theme that I keep struggling with is the how daunting I feel my journey is. With 125 pounds to still lose, it’s not going to happen overnight, but it wasn’t gained overnight either. This is a process and I trust the process. Mike explained that after losing all his weight, it does get easier. I needed to hear this. Granted, the smaller you get, the harder it is to lose, but at goal weight, maintenance doesn’t feel like it does now…like a complete hot ass mess. He said that early on in his journey he decided to stop fighting it and started accepting it. I realized while he spoke that I have been fighting it. I try to keep a positive mental attitude (PMA…inspired by my hero Tara Costa), but it’s not easy. I have thought about giving up many times. I have weakened from the focus I never wanted to see waiver after returning home from my 22 pound loss at the Resort. I haven’t cheated and I haven’t gained, but I haven’t been sharp either. I forget to track my food sometimes, I drink Diet soda from time to time and though I do workout, I need to work out harder and longer and my mental state has been challenged and blurred. I am already fighting for my life; I don’t need to be fighting any other battles. So today, I accept it. I accept this healthy lifestyle with a sense of pride, tenacity, and patience. Instead of dreading my workouts, I will enjoy them and know I am living the life I have chosen. I will eat clean and mindful because it’s good for my body and because it’s my choice to do so. I have accepted that I have 125 pounds to lose and celebrate the 76 pounds I have already lost. This is a journey. There isn’t an end. I accept that. I am thankful for the chance to live how I want to live and that no decisions have been made for me because of my unhealthy weight.

I listened to Mike talk and I dropped a few tears not only because I am so proud of him, but because he is just like me. He lost 160 pounds without any surgery or magic. Just trusting in the process and working with a couple of amazing trainers. His conference call ended. I washed my face and got dressed to go get my ass completely kicked during 1 hour of Body by JHeb kick boxing sesh and may I say I LOVED IT! I felt like I kicked the shit out of the fight I was in with myself and left his gym with a renewed sense of who I am and what I want.

A true AHA! moment.

Shout outs:

To me: Do you remember how hard it used to be to get out of bed? To dry off after a shower? To be out in the sun? Do you remember that horrible feeling of greezy stomach after a fast food binge? Do you remember how bad you felt about yourself every single day? How sad? How scared? Do you remember the depression? The fear? Do you remember worrying about clothes not fitting? How your knees felt? Do you remember how your life was passing you by and you just kept eating? Do you remember standing in the kitchen alone crying and angry trying to fix it all with food? Do you remember eating more when already stuffed and feeling sick? Do you remember how you never wanted to go anywhere or do anything or talk to anyone about your weight? Do you remember how much you missed? How disappointed you have been in yourself?

Do you remember?

WELL, FORGET ALL ABOUT IT, you crazy B! YOU ARE NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE. You have come so far and I am so proud of you.

Tips:

This journey is not a job. It doesn’t start and then end. This journey is a process.

Embrace it.

Trust it.

Accept it. 

{One Week Ago}

I am still alive.
by Betty

May I remind you a little over 8 months ago, I had pretty much accepted my fate and was prepared to live the life of an obese, unhealthy, unhappy, miserable, nasty jerk. Regardless of how much weight I still need to lose, I am no longer accepting that old life. I want to live the fit life. I don’t want to be skinny, nor do I care to wear a bikini, but I do want to be healthy, happy, and lovely. No more jerk. (Ok, may be not “no more”…less of a jerkJ)

I clearly remember the day that I told Cara (the marathon running extraordinaire) I WILL NEVER RUN A MARATHON. At heavier weights, running feels like I’d rather pluck all the hairs off my body with dull tweezers in freezing cold weather. IT SUCKS! My knees and my back and my entire body scream. But then I look down at my Body Bugg and keep going. Running (really, it’s jogging, I don’t run yet) is by far the best cardio you can do. After Cara ran her first half marathon, Michael twisted my arm and forced me to sign up for a 5K (wink). I really didn’t want to have anything to do with it. In fact, I waited until the last day to register. So opposed to the idea of paying to do something that I hate, plus the paramedic in me has always feared of dropping dead of a sudden cardiac arrest at the finish line. A little morbid, I know.

However…

Sunday, July 29th, 2012 I completed my first 5K and I am still alive. 

Fearing my cardiac arrest, I made my sister, Nicole do the 5k with me. I signed us up, picked up our bib numbers the day before and on Sunday morning my alarm went off at 6am. I have done 3 miles many times. Lake Merritt has become one of my most favorite places. It’s 3.7ish miles around and I started to walk a little faster, jog a little longer and improve my time every week in preparation for the 5K. All I wanted to do was finish.

Nicole and I arrived at the start line 5 minutes before. I knew Nicole would much rather be sleeping in, so in appreciation of her support, I bought her an ipod shuffle and loaded the same playlist that I had on mine so we could sing together. The days leading up to the 5K, I felt nervous and worried that I wouldn’t make it in the time they allow you to finish. I thought about how to get out of it and fake an excuse. I told myself it was my journey and Cara is the runner and that if I didn’t want to run this piece of crap race that I shouldn’t have to. I forced myself out of bed and into my clothes and to the start line to be shockingly completely enlightened.

First of all, it’s not a race. There may be people there trying to win, but the masses are there to sweat and cross the finish line. I looked around while waiting for it to start and felt like I was part of something that I have never known. I marveled at the fact that people do pay to come out early on a weekend morning to run. There were people much heavier than me, a pregnant woman that looked like she was about to push, parents with kids, a guy in a wheel chair, and people from all over the country. It was one of the most inspiring moments I have had on my journey.

The race started and Nicole and I got to work. The 5K start line was near the Ferry Building on the Embarcadero in the greatest city on the planet, San Francisco. It looped around and passed in front of the ball park and then finished just before the start line. I jogged over half the distance and speed walked the rest. While I profusely perspired, Nicole was beside me the entire time, not even breaking a sweat. Just before the finish line, Michael surprised me and ran the last portion with us. I crossed the finish line and behind my breathlessness, fatigue and ugly workout face (everyone has an ugly workout face), I felt proud. I don’t feel proud often, but Sunday, I felt proud of myself. I didn’t finish in record time, I didn’t run the entire course, but I completed that damn 5K and it feels really great. More than that and I am sure Michael will be happy to hear…it will not be my last. I loved everything about it (other than the running part, which I will work on every day).  Ambitiously, Michael wants me to sign up for a half marathon (13.1 miles) in November. That is TBD.

Shout outs:

Michael: It is because of you that I even was there. You have believed in me from the start and even when I have doubted the belief I have in myself. Thank you for pushing me, running beside me and knowing that I am capable of so much more than I think I am. YOU ARE AN IRONMAN! And I am profoundly grateful to have you in my life. Loving you more than loving seeing that finish line.

Cara! You are an MF BEAST! 13.1 miles and you finished 17 minutes faster than your last. I don’t even know you. They said your name as you crossed and all I could think about was blessed I am to have a younger sister I can look up to. You killed it. I am so proud.

Speaking of younger sisters I look up to…Nicole, I have always been your number one fan. Thank you so much for supporting me during the hardest 3 miles of my life. I am glad you didn’t have to perform CPR on me (30 compressions to 2 breaths…FYI). You know what it is to commit yourself to the fit life. You are a brilliant woman who will forever be an athlete. I am so honored to call you my sister. Thank you for laughing and singing with me during those 3 miles and being proud of me as I finished. I can’t really fully express how much you mean to me, but know it’s to infinity and beyond.

To everyone who sent me love and support on Sunday…Nani, mommy and dad, Victor, Potate, Amanda, Jonna, Dylan, Tracy, Taylor, Kian, Khalil, Gretchen, Christine, Ranelle, JHEB, Kenny, Meg, Heather, Essara, Uncle Mike, Kelly Ryan, Kasey, Kym, Jessica J, Tessa, Menne, just to name a few…THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH! Support and love really have inspired me to continue my journey. Without it, I would not be where or who I am now. I love you more than bread and butter.

Tips:

Go get your computer. Sign on and pull up Google. Type in 5k and the area you live. Find out when the next one is scheduled and sign up. No excuses.

{It’s Time to Turn Up the Heat.}

The CEO of the hospital I work in taught a leadership lecture today that I had the honor of being present for. The CEO is a classy woman with a southern accent that draws me in every time I hear her speak. She has this way about her that I hope to see in myself some day. I think people adore her, but hope to never be on her naughty list. I love that. She talked about leadership and hard work and change. It takes a lot of courage to push through struggle. Doing what’s right, whether at work, in school or at the gym, takes courage. Courage, in the face of adversity and change can seem near impossible.

I feel like I have been working really hard on fitness. Burning thousands of calories every day, double days at boot camp with Body By JHeb, getting ready for my 5K challenge (thanks to Michael) this Sunday, lots of water and I have started Shakeology as a meal replacement for breakfast, yet my weight seems to be plateauing for longer than I am willing to deal with patiently. I haven’t gained, but for the last 2 weeks, I have only lost 2.6 pounds.  I know what it is…I am not on my food game. I am not eating bad, but I am not as sharp as I need to be. I have either eaten far too few or a couple too many calories on an inconsistent basis for the last 2 weeks. Instead of beating myself up and completely binging on some kind of salty, sugary fast food, I am trying to see where and why I went ‘wrong’. I say ‘wrong’ because I have not binged, nor have I eaten anything disgustingly bad in the last 8 months. On the days where I have gone over my 1400 calorie budget, it’s not on bad food. But nonetheless, calories are calories are calories. If you eat more than you burn, you gain. If you eat less than you burn, you lose. And if you eat about the same, you roughly maintain. Clearly, I am not an expert, but what I love about this journey is that it’s easy. 1+1=2. Though I am burning more than I am eating, it’s not enough. My sister and I have been on this journey for a little while now and many of you started with us at the beginning, and it’s not over. And after 32 years, it’s just the beginning for me. I have a long way to go. One hundred and twenty-five pounds, to be exact. That’s more than a lot of people weigh. Now is not the time to lose sight of all the work, all the sweat, all the 72 pounds I have already lost.  Now is the time to turn up the heat.

Shout outs:

To everyone on a journey…no matter what journey…and especially to Nan, Cara, Nicole, Ryan, Victor, Heather, Potate, Meg, Keith, Amanda, Haley, Michael, Mike, JHeb, and Kian, should you ever feel the need to reset, I dedicate this short video to you compliments of my CEO. 

Tips:

Believe in yourself. Trust the process. Change forever. One degree and pound at a time. 

HOPE for Sudan

There are things that I wish for in this life. Things that only I keep inside of my little head. I work toward the goals and sometimes I just think about someday reaching the goal. This blog was mostly inspired by a good friend of mine (that really is a good friend of Brianne's, but I love her and her family all the same).


The story goes like this, Brianne and Dave were partners at AMR "the Mighty 265" that was what they called themselves. Brianne was there when Dave and his wife Jessica got their dog Kobi, she was there when they found out the were having their first daughter and then Jessica was there to make programs for my wedding and then I got to work with Jessica in dispatch at AMR. Full circle. These people have been in our lives for a while. Sometimes on the side line, but always ready to be in the game.


Dave and Jessica have had some pretty amazing things happen to them. The most recent is the growth of their church, HOPE Church of San Mateo. I look at pictures and I want so badly to make that a part of my life, that little goal in my head will soon come true. I am taking Ryan and the boys to check it out.


I am sharing this because just like my journey; EVERYONE has a journey, theirs is through HOPE Church. In April, Dave went to Sudan. He went to spread the word, but there is so much more that he found. Because we all know that what we take away is not what we thought we would.  Read about it here... Hope for Sudan because his journey is just starting! 


Please take moment to read, read Jessica's whole blog, subscribe, and if you can GIVE!

Your donation is tax deductible and 100% of funds raised will go to Hope Church, directly for this effort.

The donation button is at the bottom of the website link Hope for Sudan.

{Inspire to be inspired.}

by Betty

You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me.

Fun fact: I am obsessed with movie musicals. Rent, Chicago, Nine…Burlesque. I can sing almost every word to every song. There is something about the music, dancing and costumes that make me wish I took theater in high school.

I have had 3 very inspiring experiences…all in just one day! Like I have said before, I tell everyone about my journey to stay accountable and to find inspiration along the way.

Inspire to be inspired.

Her name is Kathy and she is a manager in a department in the hospital I work for. There was just something about her. She exuded an energy that I hope to one day mirror. I knew we would be friends the moment I met her, but I can’t just say that out loud without risking a 5150 hold. I have been struggling with a rib out of place and mentioned that my recent boot camp may be the culprit. She immediately took interest and I knew our connection was going to be our weight loss journeys. She explained that she has lost 100 pounds in 1 year!!!! Holy! And went from a size 28/30 to a 14/16. Amazed! She has changed her life all on her own. Her eyes were bright and proud as she spoke. We hugged; I took her card and look forward to building our friendship.

I have mentioned before that my Body Bugg (named Tonia, after my ass kickin trainer at the Resort) has been one of the greatest tools I have in my life. It counts my calories burned so I know where I am at and how much more I need to do to meet my target. I mentioned that I had a Body Bugg to this fantastic co-worker, T, who is in excellent shape (and looks like Pro-WMBA star Candace Parker) and she went home and bought one. The same day! I know people read this blog and I know Cara and I have done our fair share of spreading the knowledge, but she actually bought the Body Bugg and called me to say “thank you for inspiring me”. Crazy, because I am so inspired by her. She is clearly very active and healthy. What can I possibly do to inspire her? I am so honored to say that this journey has been so much bigger than I ever thought it would be.

I made a friend with this feisty lady, Beth, down the hall from my office. She is everything I want to be when I am truly at peace with who I am. She doesn’t take shit from anyone, but has a heart big enough for everyone. I sit with her in between busy parts of our day and we talk about family and fitness and life. I hadn’t seen her in a couple weeks and when she saw me today she told me I looked great and looked like I lost since I’d seen her last. I am not one for compliments. I think all the years of self-loathing stopped me from even being able to hear a compliment from anyone. Still unsure about receiving them, it felt great to hear Beth say it because I know no bullshit would ever leave her mouth. I even did a little skip back to my office.

The reason I am sharing this is because I am so not the person I was 7 months ago. I forget that the new people I am working with now, don’t know the old me. They only know the new me. They are all such a part of my journey and keep me inspired. I will continue to stay present, mindful and sweaty. This is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

This is far from over. You haven’t seen the last of me.

Shout outs:

Cara….Sometimes I think you are far past hard days, but I know not every day is easy for either of us. You have changed your life. I look at you and I see success. You are doing this for you and Ryan and your babies. The greatest gift you could ever give. I am so proud of you and I am inspired by your skinny ass every day. Let hard days come and let them go. Tomorrow is a new day. I dedicate this Cher song to you. I love you more than floating on Pinecrest Lake.

To Kathy, T, and Beth, THANK YOU for inspiring me. I need my journey to be filled with moments that make all the hard worth it. You make it worth it.

Tips:

Tell everyone about your journey and watch movie musicals.

{Do You}

by Betty

I truly believe that there is something to be offered from everyone we meet. The key is to try to find out what.

I have the pleasure of meeting many people every day at work. This week I met a woman who came into the ER and was sent down for a scan of her head. To avoid any patient rights violations, I will leave her name out. She was laying on a gurney and said hello to me when I walked in. I went over to her bedside and asked her name and how she was feeling. She told me why she was there and asked me what I do. I told her I was responsible for ensuring her quality of care was superb while she was in our hospital and she thanked me. She told me that she used to teach special needs kids and that when she started to get older and her health started to decline, she wasn’t able to continue. Her health deteriorated while she was unemployed and uninsured. She found herself another job, but has struggled with her health ever since. I noticed a bandage over eye that was from a recent surgery, poor hygiene, and sadness. I couldn’t help, but want to stay beside her as she waited. She told me that she has spent her whole life taking care of other people and now as she gets older, all the years that she didn’t take care of herself, were catching up with her. She was overweight and suffers from chronic medical conditions, most likely caused by her weight. I was confident she was older, but sad to hear she wasn’t even 60.

During this brief encounter, I looked at this woman and I realized that if I don’t stay committed to my journey I might be her someday. I know that I struggle taking less care of myself than I do other people so meeting this patient was a significant. I don’t want to wake up some day and be laying on a gurney waiting for a CT because I didn’t take care of myself. I told her that her service had probably changed the lives of many people and that a life of service is something I have profound respect for. She graciously said thank you and I told her that our staff better take good care of her. It was late and I walked back to my office, packed my stuff and drove home.

The truth is we have one life to live. Everyday we get older and everyday that we live any way less than what we deserve is a true disservice. I know I am worth the good life I want. Everyday I am reminded of how lucky I am to be only 32 years old with many years ahead of me. This simple concept serves as my constant motivation. I don’t want to find myself sick and too tired to do anything about it. I refuse to waste anymore time. This journey may not be easy, but it is worth all the hard work if I get to live well.

Shout outs:

Menne: Thank you for your message. I think I really needed it. Part of the reason Cara and I continue to blog is in hopes that we may inspire as we have been inspired. And you inspire me every day. Thank you.

Fam: Pinecrest was epic. T-ball, lake water fitness, lots of sun, raging fires, low-cal smores, fantastic food, the party boat, late night convos in sleeping bags…And Grode almost died. Thank you for being you.

Tips:

Take care of yourself every day before it’s too late. Just Do You. 

{STRENGTH}

Oh, hello blog readers.

Hope this finds you well and sweaty. I have had some crazy days since my last ‘Time Management’ blog where I am sure I came across as a HOT MESS. Well, much to my dismay, but no surprise, I am still quite the hot mess, but I am gaining some strength in perspective. Slowly, but surely.

Strength. It takes strength to get up in the morning, put on a smile, work hard, and be a good person. It takes strength to do what is right and give what is good. It takes strength to stay on this journey and move forward every day. It takes strength to know when you need help and to ask for it. It takes strength to balance life and live it well. If strength is this necessary, I must reflect on it in my life. How does one learn how to be strong? I think part of my struggles with my weight have had to do with my lack of strength or my lack of believing in my strength. I have always been very fortunate to be surrounded by extremely strong people and it seems that it has only been over the last year that their lessons are really surfacing. Daily, I am recalling conversations I have had almost 10 years back that are just now being understood. I know I may not do everything right, but strong is one I can handle.

I met with the Big Boss Lady (BBL) today at work and she said something that I have heard many times, but today it stuck…”You can’t be everything to everyone”. This is something that I have struggled with since I was able to choose to live my life or help everyone else to live theirs. For the last 10 years, I really haven’t always lived my life. Glimpses here and there, but usually, I am surrendering my time for something or someone else. (This time management theme will remain present in most of my posts until I either die or figure it out). I have been proud to say that I have lived a life of service. I am blessed with a life that can contribute to bettering someone else’s so that’s what I do. Whether it be my parents, sisters, partner, friends, patients or strangers, I want to make life happier and easier for everyone else. Though it takes strength to do that, it takes way more strength to pull back. I honestly can say I still struggle with this. I would rather be unhappy in order to make someone else happy. And don’t confuse this with a people pleaser. I am far from a people pleaser, in fact, I have pissed off more people than I have pleased, but oh look…there goes the last f&*k I gave about that. If you are in my life, you must know I would give my last penny, shirt off my back, last ounce of food and all my time for you. It’s my gift. Even if I don’t do the best job at it. It’s the only thing I can truly and constantly unconditionally offer.

My public service has become what drives me and what makes me a true professional. As the Godfather Uncle Victor would say, I do it “so that others may live…”. I want to make a difference and leave an impact in the lives of other people. My heart is in the right place, but it is surrounded by a buildup of fat and probably some plaque that shows how little I have done for myself. This is the sharpest fork in my road yet. Which way do I go? Do I continue on a path that provides other people with a constant support or do I start living my life for me? To be happy, I must find the middle. I must continue on this journey I have started and do what is right for my heart, soul and mind. I will never stop and I will succeed. I must also continue to do the work I was placed on this Earth to do. Service.

I am grateful for the strength I gain from my BBL, family and friends to live my life for me and I am also dedicated to them until I take my last breath. 

May the strength that surrounds you, lift you up every day.

Update:

68 pounds down. I am plateauing a little bit, but I know why. I’ve had a few less workouts and a couple days with some long gaps in between meals. I have vowed to myself and to all of you that I will not fail at this. This journey has no U-turns. This weekend I will spend cleaning out my fridge (I may find WMD, but I live with a HazMat Captain…I will survive), refilling it with good food, lots of fitness and I am registering for my first 5K on July 29…thanks to Michael and Cara.

Shout Outs:

BBL: I thought I knew leadership and professionalism and then I met you. If I could be half the leader you are when I grow up, I will have achieved greatness.

Family: Nan, Mommy, Grode, Murr, Nooch, Ryan Dennis, Bun and Pup…Pinecrest, this year, will be epic. I can’t wait. Check for spiders before I get there, please.

Tips:

Whenever I find myself lost, I return to my roots. Good, fresh, healthy food, food tracking and fitness. Burn them calories.

BML.