{The 101}

by Betty

For those of you that live in the Bay, you know Highway 101 well, or as Cara would say The 101. Hwy 101 is a pain in the ass. It’s busy, uneven, crazy and causes more heartburn than buffalo wing sauce and red wine. However, The 101 is also the path of least resistance. It is direct and the majority of my outings involve using this corridor. I would rather sit in traffic on The 101 than go all the way around on 280 (the more scenic, less trafficy route). I use this analogy of this highway because my weight loss journey thus far is similar to The 101. I want to be on the most direct route, however there is traffic; it is uneven and even though now there is less buffalo wing sauce and red wine, there is heartburn. There are accidents, road rage and lots of fuel used. Additionally, I compare my journey to The 101 is because I HAVE LOST 101 POUNDS.

Yes, this is my 100 pound post and I have mixed emotions.

I never started this journey thinking a 100 pound loss would even be possible let alone 100 pounds in 10 months. No matter how well I am doing, doubt is at the forefront. To reach a goal like this blows me away. 101 pounds. Ca-ra-azy.

I have been holding onto this 101 pound lost knowledge for a couple days and didn’t tell many people right away. John, my trainer knew right away (because I see his damn face every single day), but I thought when I reached 100 pounds, I would jump up and down and go by a BMW or something. Yea no. Instead I doubt. I look in the mirror and I still see someone who has not completely figured this out. I have a long way to go and my relationship with food is still broken. I still want to use food to cope with my emotions and even though, I don’t use the way I used to, I still use it. I am still saddened by what I did to myself and the fact that I am celebrating 101 pounds off my body is embarrassing. I have managed to change my entire life in less than a year…physically, but mentally, I still struggle. I still have doubt, insecurity, fear and shame. Forgiving myself seems near impossible. I know…101 pounds shut up, right?! It’s so awesome and I feel so proud, but in the same breath I can’t seem to find a smile. Instead anxiety, a couple angry tears and uneven traffic find their way to the surface.

Cara and I write this blog to hold ourselves accountable and inspire others the way we have been inspired. I try to keep my posts positive and encouraging, but this is life…real life and it isn’t like the effin Sound of Music. (Well, I guess it is, but instead of singing and smiles, it’s boot camps and hiking). Cara and I have both just reached huge goals on this journey and will be giving Phat Chances a little face lift as well as the Phat Chance Facebook fan page we started. The motivation behind telling our story is simple…inspire to be inspired. Whether 1 person follows or 100, we are humbled by this journey and feel so fortunate to be able to share. With that said, I would be doing a disservice to anyone who reads it if I didn’t tell my truth.

Every journey is different as is every struggle, but what they all have in common is the ability to pick yourself up and remember why you started, why it even matters and what you need to do to make the changes necessary to be successful.

These 101 pounds will not go uncelebrated and I am profoundly proud of myself for having come this far. Every bucket of sweat, every portioned effin plate of unsalted, ranchless food, every clothing size decrease, and every person that supports me has all been so worth it. I am changed for the better because of it. There is more work to do. There will always be work to do.

Shout outs:

Not even sure where or how to begin. I have never felt more love than I have since I started this journey and for the people who have been there all along, I was just so closed off I never saw it. To the new people, you have enriched this journey beyond words and I will be forever grateful.

I dedicate this song the people in my life that love me as I learn to love myself…thank you.

Cara Marie…Whoa. We had a Phat Chance in hell to do this right. Thank you for never giving up on me.

To me: You may never be a saint, you swear a lot and have more issues than People Magazine, but you know who you are and what you want. Do not ever allow yourself or anyone or anything to stand in your way. Continue to fight for your life, for what is right and for the people that stand beside you and believe in you when you don’t believe in yourself. I give you my word that this life is worth it. You are worth it. 101 pounds…so badass. Learn that forgiveness will release you from all the guilt and shame and do whatever it takes to get to a peaceful place. With a little more work, you will be one of the greatest people you know. And you know some really freakin great people.

Tips:

Take The 101. It may not be best ride, but it will get you there.  

{When I think of letting go…}

 by Betty

            This might be one of the most important days I will ever have on my journey and tonight, from my bed with ice on my knees and tears in my eyes I write about it to all of you.

(This was written on Thursday. To Betty, my apologies for the delay in getting this amazing Blog Post out to the world. They keep getting better and BETTER!)

There is nothing like looking back to day 1 and reflecting on all the work I have put into saving my life. Seeing change, especially good change in yourself feels like nothing else I have ever known. My dear BLR sis, Meg Gazaway posted a video that was taken of Cara and I on the Friday of our second week at the Biggest Loser Resort back in December 2011. I know it was Friday because the video is of Cardio Disco with trainer John Yohman at the Resort…only the greatest day ever on the Earth….Cardio Disco Fridays at the BLR. The video is short and shows both Cara and I acting like complete fools. It also shows Tara Costa from Biggest Loser Season 7 who was at the Resort with us and who also happens to be my Badass Girl Hero. I watched the video several times thinking about how much fun we had and how much I miss the Resort and friends we made. But more than that, I was blown away by how Cara and I looked. I won’t speak for her, but I could not believe that’s what I looked like. Literally, overwhelming. I watched it a couple more times and cried. I cried because I realized that this is working. All the sweat, sore muscles, spinach and extra lean ground fucking turkey are working. Part of me felt so relieved. I don’t look back on before pictures often because I am still far from being happy with what I see now. I have a long way to go and this journey is far from over, but knowing that I look so different from how I started gave me some validation. Much needed validation.

The other part of me fell apart. I look at the girl I used to be not long ago and I can’t fathom how I allowed myself to get that out of control. What the hell was I thinking? I was never in denial about my weight. I knew I was fat, unhealthy and wearing a really large size. I knew I needed more space than the person across from me in a booth. I knew I was completely addicted to fast food. And I knew I was extremely unhappy. What I didn’t know was how bad it actually was. I can’t believe in all my years of weight gain, especially this last year at my very heaviest weight did no one ever say anything to me about it? This is not me placing any blame on anyone. I take full responsibility for my weight, but 10 months ago I was ridiculous. I can’t even put it into words. I was a burger away from a freakin heart attack. How was I not bullied? How did my family not hire someone for an intervention? How did I keep any friends? How the hell did I allow that to happen to myself?

 I spent most of the day thinking about the video and looking at a side by side picture I created to stare at myself before and myself now. Even writing this now, I am shaking my head completely baffled. I feel like I don’t even know the girl in the before picture. Almost like I didn’t know her then either. Ten months ago I was just alive. Going through the motions. Dealing. Eating. Today, 10 months later, I feel like I am living. Committed. Mindful.

 

I am holding onto a lot of guilt that I must allow myself to release. I haven’t forgiven myself for losing time, eating all my emotions and packing on the weight. I feel guilty for making my family and friends see me unhealthy and unhappy. I haven’t forgiven myself for turning to food as my only coping mechanism in the hardest of times. I feel guilty for all the problems my weight and wallowing have caused. That was not a life. At my heaviest weight, I was just alive. I was not living and I am ashamed.

Seeing the video has really pushed me. I recognize that I have the food and fitness part pretty dialed right now, but none of that will last if I don’t get my mind right. It’s about forgiveness, acceptance, and the ability to have the courage to admit and confirm that I will never go back to that person I was 10 months ago. I will never go back.

I am letting go of that girl, that life, that weight, that guilt. I will never go back.

Update: I am just a few pounds away from a huge weight loss goal and will post it when it happens. I am on day 38 of 60 of my Shakeology Challenge and have never felt better. I can’t recall the last time I was officially in an XL t-shirt, but I am just about there. I feel stronger, cleaner, and happier. This journey has changed my entire life.

Shout outs:

Cara…Do you remember our first day at the BLR? I was terrified. That first damn hike at Malibu Creek? I thought I was going to die. I can’t believe we were so broken. That video is cray. We aren’t those girls anymore. We have been blessed with a life filled love and so many reasons to be thankful. You believed in me from Day 1 at the BLR and I will never be able to truly express how lucky I am to be your sister. You keep me inspired every single day. Going back to that life of the 2 girls in the video…PHAT Mutha Effin’ CHANCE.

I hiked (yes, I said hiked) Mission Peak with my trainer John Hebison. 5.49 miles. Half of it was at a 90 degree incline (slight over exaggeration, slight) and there was a real life tarantula on the path that literally almost caused a full on panic attack. I complained most of the way telling him how much I disliked him and hiking. It was damn hard, but it was way easier than all the hikes were with all my weight on me and I could feel the difference. Johnny, I love you for mere fact that there is no bullshit. You don’t carry me, you don’t baby me and you don’t let me quit. You have come into my life when I needed you most and I hope you never leave. Thank you for believing in me every step of the way, even when I can’t stand you. You’re a game changer.

Vanessa Turner…my new friend who booked 2 weeks at the Biggest Loser Resort after I told her my story. She is there now, week 1 and I can’t stop thinking about her. Vanessa, your courage inspires me. To take your life into your own hands and make a change takes more courage than most people know. I believe in you and can’t wait to hear all about it. Huge hugs to John Y, Tonia, Essara, Nancy, Amanda Fitz, Chile, Cam, Jake, Dr. Love and Pool Volleyball Fridays. Best time of my life.

Nooch…I dedicate this song to you. And to me because I cry just a little when I think of letting go.

Tips:  

Forgive yourself. 

{My Why}

 by Betty

T’was an amazing weekend. In fact, my last several weekends have been bomb. There was a time not long ago where my weekends were spent sleeping until 2pm, waking up to eat, watching TV, eating again and going back to sleep. I so don’t even know that person anymore. This past weekend entailed Body By J-Heb Boot Camp, my dear friend Dylan’s birthday party, dinner with BLR alum and bestie, Heather, the end of my quarter in school…with a much needed upcoming quarter off, some good sleep and Target. (Love me some Target.) On my way home from dinner with Heather, I started thinking about My Why.

My Why is best described by one of my Beach Body Shakeology coach’s, Tiffany Gaspie as the reason why you would run into a burning building. Though this journey is about clean eating and exercise, to be successful, ya gotta get ya mind right. It’s all mental. It is important to figure out My Why to stay focused, on track, motivated and if ever off track, reminded of why you started in the first place. My Why isn’t the same as fitting into a dress or looking good for a social function; it is why I choose to live a healthy life. The reason I get up everyday. Why I am so grateful. Why I live.

This concept is complex. I immediately thought, of course, it’s my family and friemily (friends that are family). Nothing means more to me and nothing ever will. Not completely satisfied with this Why, I decided to dig a little deeper reminding myself to make My Why about me in my relationships. Why would I run back into a burning building?

To know me is to know I would do anything for anyone in my life. I am not a saint (close), but I do know unconditional love and selfless service. My relationships have always meant the most to me for as long as I can remember. The quality of my relationships is the reason I get out of bed everyday. I feel profoundly fortunate to have people in my life that know me well and love me still. I am honored to share my life with people who inspire me, teach me, laugh with me, and understand me. My relationships connect me, ground me and make me a better person. I like to think I share my life with some of the greatest people on the planet.

My Why:  My word. I frequently say “You have my word and my word is all I got”. To trust someone completely, takes all of me. To allow someone to trust me, takes all of me. My word is as good as I am and for the last 10 years, I have not been good. I have been a shell…a fake shell. My intentions have been good, but like I have said before, good intentions without action make it all crap. If my word is to be as good as the person I am, then my word has been shit.

To everyone in my life, family and friemly, I give you my word that I will work every day to be the best me for me…and you. And you all know who you are. Nothing means more.

Update: I am on Day 22 of my 60 Day Shakeology Challenge and I have lost 27 pounds in 27 days. Granted this is a huge weight loss, and would not be normal results for everyone, however, I do feel a major difference in my energy level and insides. I replace one meal a day with Shakeology and eat clean the rest of the day. Currently, I am working out 7 days a week with a trainer and on my own. All my workouts are different involving cardio, kick boxing, circuit training, resistance and weight lifting. I have learned more about the person I am in the last 22 days than I have in the last 8 months. I feel strong. Committed. Vulnerable. And hilarious! I have never been more proud of myself.

Shout outs:

Heather: You came into my life at the darkest of times and you have made it all so worth it. Thanks for getting me.

To Johnny and my fellow Body By J-Heb Boot Campers and 60 Day Shakeology Challengers: Just like my 2 weeks at the Biggest Loser Resort, this journey has been made all worth it by the relationships that have developed. I feel unconditionally supported and encouraged and nothing feels better. Thank you for putting up with my swearing, ladder complaints and J-Heb shit talking. You are all such an instrumental part of my journey and I will forever be grateful.

To Dylan…your courage inspires me beyond words. Should I ever wonder if I am doing the right thing for myself, I will think of you.

To me: Now you know My Why. It’s about being the best you for you and for them. Never forget or lose sight of Why you started, Why you continue and Why you will live this fit life until your last breath. You have one life to live and you aren’t getting any younger. The time is now and you are so worth it.

Tips:

Think about your My Why. Why do you do what you do? Figure it out, journal it, and always think about it when darkness falls. It will light your way. 

Committed to my Goals

Week 1 of Committed To My Goals

As mentioned, I am doing a 60 day challenge with Body by JHeb and coach, Tiffany Gaspie. I am eating extremely mindfully clean, replacing one meal with Shakeology and putting in some serious sweaty work. No soda, 100+ ounces of water every day and some major PMA (positive mental attitude) changes.

The group I am doing the challenge with meets in a private Facebook group daily and shares meals plans and workouts. John and Tiffany are awesome and provide tons of feedback and encouragement. I needed another jump start and this has definitely done it. Throughout my journey, I recognize that I need little kicks in the ass from time to time to reset me. This challenge has done just that.

I just finished week 1 and I lost 8 pounds. 8 mutha f*%kin pounds! Boom.

Here’s what I did:

I am eating 1300-1440 calories a day.

Breakfast: usually my Shakeology meal replacement with a piece of fruit.

Snack: Non-fat greek yogurt, carrots or raw green beans.

Lunch: Leftovers from dinner or whole wheat sandwich thin with 1 tbsp natural peanut butter, carrots or another veggie, piece of fruit.

Snack: hard boiled egg, veggies, string cheese or yogurt

Dinner: extra lean ground turkey patty or grilled chicken with a green veggie (usually spinach), or an egg white scramble with bell peppers and onion.

Snack: If do a late workout or miss a snack throughout the day, I may add a snack after dinner.

I use a lot of fresh herbs, onion, garlic and salsa for taste. Food is the biggest focus for me right now as it has been the biggest problem for me in the past. I plan and pack all my food and am never without something to eat. I am trying to create a healthy habitual eating style that doesn’t take a lot of work or thought.

Workouts: Since my last AHA moment blog, my workouts have seriously improved. Accepting the fact that it’s going to suck has really made me push harder. I have caught myself in the past going a little easy on some workouts in fear that I will fatigue to quickly and give up. What a lame way of thinking. Why go easy? Just go all out. Bust it. This past week I worked with both my trainers, Michael and John. I did one hour of some serious kick boxing with John on Tuesday. Treadmill with it off (making the belt go on my own against the resistance), abs and planks on my own Wednesday. Battle ropes, kick boxing, and little bit of everything Thursday with John again to the point of where I wanted to DFO (done fall out). Friday, I saw Michael and his treadmill. For one hour, he had me do some crazy shit…sprints, inclines, holding weights, resistance bands ecter-f*&kin-a. Killer. I wanted to die. Thought I was going to die. But didn’t. Killed it. Burned over 5,000 calories by the end of the day. Saturday, I spent 2 hours in the sand in SoCal, jogging and walking, abs, planks and some Shaun T style back work. I also spent an hour in the ocean on a surf board and boogie board for the first time ever (Thanks Vic). Major workout. Sunday, an hour in the ocean and on the sand.

In my first week of some serious focus, I lost 8 pounds. And the week before, I prepped myself for this 60 day challenge and lost 5 pounds. 14 pounds in 2 weeks and I am feeling renewed. There is a light that burns inside of all of us. Mine is blazing right now.

Today, starts week 2 and I am working out every day and eating clean. I love Shakeology, but Shakeology isn’t the secret. Granted it provides me with tons of micronutrients that I would normally not get all in one day and therefore, tons TONS of healthy energy, but the secret to this is no secret. It’s good, clean, fresh, portion controlled food and lots of sweat.

So what is different now? This journey makes several turns and sometimes U-turns. It’s all part of it. The important thing to do is to never give up. Bad day? Get right back on. Never stop.

Shout outs:

John (aka Body by JHeb, aka Game Changer), you have invested your time, sweat and energy into me and I am so grateful. I know this is your job and even though you do love your job and are very good at it, it’s so much more than that. You are changing lives. Saving lives. We connected from the jump and I adore you. Thank you for your patience, daily dose of encouragement and friendship. I love you, boo. Let’s do something awesome.

Michael…I’m baaaaaaack and obviously, so are you…with a vengeance. That treadmill workout was more than I ever though I could do, but you have believed in me from day 1 and I’ve never felt stronger. I love you more than being done with that workout.

To my Committed to My Goals team and Tiffany: Thank you for being honest and lovely. I feel inspired and pushed by all of you. We may all be at different places on our journey, but it’s all the same. Work is work and you all put it in. Boot camp beasts for life.

Tips:

If you find yourself off track, realign your goals, your perspective and always maintain a positive mental attitude. Surround yourself with people that guide you, teach you and love you. You may miss a TV show or two or time doing other things, but nothing is more important than the choices you’re making right now.

Accept this fit life. It’s the bomb dot com.

Light ya fire.

“You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life”

{Betty's AHA! Moment}

Intro by Cara

I think Brianne has mentioned that I handle the "IT" side of this blog. Editing, photo shopping, and posting. She writes I read and post and add a photo or two. I have to say that this next post, might be one of her best. Maybe because having these moments are so important, but mostly because while at the resort and even before I saw how vulnerable my sister was. Today, she has made such amazing steps forward in the mental game of this journey. I am so so proud of you. And I will NEVER give up on you. 

60 Days and a Major ‘AHA’

My biggest fear leaving the Resort last November was coming home and effin it all up. Though the Resort begins working with you the moment you arrive to prepare you for life at home, they have never dealt with me before. I have made many attempts at this weight loss thing. Weight watchers, The Lemonade Diet, Cabbage Soup, Atkins, starvation…all ended the same way…failure and 30+ extra pounds. This time is so different. There are many factors that go into this journey’s success, but I am telling you now, this is it. I have started something I am determined to see through and live out in my daily life until my last breath.

Today is Day 3 of a 60 Day Challenge I am a part of through my trainer, John aka Body By JHeb. It’s 60 days of some serious focus on clean food, exercise and Shakeology (Google it). Though just day 3, I have had a serious AHA moment. Yesterday, Mike Messina, the at home winner of Biggest Loser Season 13, told his story on a conference call where people across the country dialed in to hear him speak. It was one of the most inspiring stories to hear and this was my second time hearing it. He is several months out after winning the at home prize and has some new insight I want to share.

One theme that I keep struggling with is the how daunting I feel my journey is. With 125 pounds to still lose, it’s not going to happen overnight, but it wasn’t gained overnight either. This is a process and I trust the process. Mike explained that after losing all his weight, it does get easier. I needed to hear this. Granted, the smaller you get, the harder it is to lose, but at goal weight, maintenance doesn’t feel like it does now…like a complete hot ass mess. He said that early on in his journey he decided to stop fighting it and started accepting it. I realized while he spoke that I have been fighting it. I try to keep a positive mental attitude (PMA…inspired by my hero Tara Costa), but it’s not easy. I have thought about giving up many times. I have weakened from the focus I never wanted to see waiver after returning home from my 22 pound loss at the Resort. I haven’t cheated and I haven’t gained, but I haven’t been sharp either. I forget to track my food sometimes, I drink Diet soda from time to time and though I do workout, I need to work out harder and longer and my mental state has been challenged and blurred. I am already fighting for my life; I don’t need to be fighting any other battles. So today, I accept it. I accept this healthy lifestyle with a sense of pride, tenacity, and patience. Instead of dreading my workouts, I will enjoy them and know I am living the life I have chosen. I will eat clean and mindful because it’s good for my body and because it’s my choice to do so. I have accepted that I have 125 pounds to lose and celebrate the 76 pounds I have already lost. This is a journey. There isn’t an end. I accept that. I am thankful for the chance to live how I want to live and that no decisions have been made for me because of my unhealthy weight.

I listened to Mike talk and I dropped a few tears not only because I am so proud of him, but because he is just like me. He lost 160 pounds without any surgery or magic. Just trusting in the process and working with a couple of amazing trainers. His conference call ended. I washed my face and got dressed to go get my ass completely kicked during 1 hour of Body by JHeb kick boxing sesh and may I say I LOVED IT! I felt like I kicked the shit out of the fight I was in with myself and left his gym with a renewed sense of who I am and what I want.

A true AHA! moment.

Shout outs:

To me: Do you remember how hard it used to be to get out of bed? To dry off after a shower? To be out in the sun? Do you remember that horrible feeling of greezy stomach after a fast food binge? Do you remember how bad you felt about yourself every single day? How sad? How scared? Do you remember the depression? The fear? Do you remember worrying about clothes not fitting? How your knees felt? Do you remember how your life was passing you by and you just kept eating? Do you remember standing in the kitchen alone crying and angry trying to fix it all with food? Do you remember eating more when already stuffed and feeling sick? Do you remember how you never wanted to go anywhere or do anything or talk to anyone about your weight? Do you remember how much you missed? How disappointed you have been in yourself?

Do you remember?

WELL, FORGET ALL ABOUT IT, you crazy B! YOU ARE NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE. You have come so far and I am so proud of you.

Tips:

This journey is not a job. It doesn’t start and then end. This journey is a process.

Embrace it.

Trust it.

Accept it. 

{It’s Time to Turn Up the Heat.}

The CEO of the hospital I work in taught a leadership lecture today that I had the honor of being present for. The CEO is a classy woman with a southern accent that draws me in every time I hear her speak. She has this way about her that I hope to see in myself some day. I think people adore her, but hope to never be on her naughty list. I love that. She talked about leadership and hard work and change. It takes a lot of courage to push through struggle. Doing what’s right, whether at work, in school or at the gym, takes courage. Courage, in the face of adversity and change can seem near impossible.

I feel like I have been working really hard on fitness. Burning thousands of calories every day, double days at boot camp with Body By JHeb, getting ready for my 5K challenge (thanks to Michael) this Sunday, lots of water and I have started Shakeology as a meal replacement for breakfast, yet my weight seems to be plateauing for longer than I am willing to deal with patiently. I haven’t gained, but for the last 2 weeks, I have only lost 2.6 pounds.  I know what it is…I am not on my food game. I am not eating bad, but I am not as sharp as I need to be. I have either eaten far too few or a couple too many calories on an inconsistent basis for the last 2 weeks. Instead of beating myself up and completely binging on some kind of salty, sugary fast food, I am trying to see where and why I went ‘wrong’. I say ‘wrong’ because I have not binged, nor have I eaten anything disgustingly bad in the last 8 months. On the days where I have gone over my 1400 calorie budget, it’s not on bad food. But nonetheless, calories are calories are calories. If you eat more than you burn, you gain. If you eat less than you burn, you lose. And if you eat about the same, you roughly maintain. Clearly, I am not an expert, but what I love about this journey is that it’s easy. 1+1=2. Though I am burning more than I am eating, it’s not enough. My sister and I have been on this journey for a little while now and many of you started with us at the beginning, and it’s not over. And after 32 years, it’s just the beginning for me. I have a long way to go. One hundred and twenty-five pounds, to be exact. That’s more than a lot of people weigh. Now is not the time to lose sight of all the work, all the sweat, all the 72 pounds I have already lost.  Now is the time to turn up the heat.

Shout outs:

To everyone on a journey…no matter what journey…and especially to Nan, Cara, Nicole, Ryan, Victor, Heather, Potate, Meg, Keith, Amanda, Haley, Michael, Mike, JHeb, and Kian, should you ever feel the need to reset, I dedicate this short video to you compliments of my CEO. 

Tips:

Believe in yourself. Trust the process. Change forever. One degree and pound at a time. 

{Inspire to be inspired.}

by Betty

You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me.

Fun fact: I am obsessed with movie musicals. Rent, Chicago, Nine…Burlesque. I can sing almost every word to every song. There is something about the music, dancing and costumes that make me wish I took theater in high school.

I have had 3 very inspiring experiences…all in just one day! Like I have said before, I tell everyone about my journey to stay accountable and to find inspiration along the way.

Inspire to be inspired.

Her name is Kathy and she is a manager in a department in the hospital I work for. There was just something about her. She exuded an energy that I hope to one day mirror. I knew we would be friends the moment I met her, but I can’t just say that out loud without risking a 5150 hold. I have been struggling with a rib out of place and mentioned that my recent boot camp may be the culprit. She immediately took interest and I knew our connection was going to be our weight loss journeys. She explained that she has lost 100 pounds in 1 year!!!! Holy! And went from a size 28/30 to a 14/16. Amazed! She has changed her life all on her own. Her eyes were bright and proud as she spoke. We hugged; I took her card and look forward to building our friendship.

I have mentioned before that my Body Bugg (named Tonia, after my ass kickin trainer at the Resort) has been one of the greatest tools I have in my life. It counts my calories burned so I know where I am at and how much more I need to do to meet my target. I mentioned that I had a Body Bugg to this fantastic co-worker, T, who is in excellent shape (and looks like Pro-WMBA star Candace Parker) and she went home and bought one. The same day! I know people read this blog and I know Cara and I have done our fair share of spreading the knowledge, but she actually bought the Body Bugg and called me to say “thank you for inspiring me”. Crazy, because I am so inspired by her. She is clearly very active and healthy. What can I possibly do to inspire her? I am so honored to say that this journey has been so much bigger than I ever thought it would be.

I made a friend with this feisty lady, Beth, down the hall from my office. She is everything I want to be when I am truly at peace with who I am. She doesn’t take shit from anyone, but has a heart big enough for everyone. I sit with her in between busy parts of our day and we talk about family and fitness and life. I hadn’t seen her in a couple weeks and when she saw me today she told me I looked great and looked like I lost since I’d seen her last. I am not one for compliments. I think all the years of self-loathing stopped me from even being able to hear a compliment from anyone. Still unsure about receiving them, it felt great to hear Beth say it because I know no bullshit would ever leave her mouth. I even did a little skip back to my office.

The reason I am sharing this is because I am so not the person I was 7 months ago. I forget that the new people I am working with now, don’t know the old me. They only know the new me. They are all such a part of my journey and keep me inspired. I will continue to stay present, mindful and sweaty. This is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

This is far from over. You haven’t seen the last of me.

Shout outs:

Cara….Sometimes I think you are far past hard days, but I know not every day is easy for either of us. You have changed your life. I look at you and I see success. You are doing this for you and Ryan and your babies. The greatest gift you could ever give. I am so proud of you and I am inspired by your skinny ass every day. Let hard days come and let them go. Tomorrow is a new day. I dedicate this Cher song to you. I love you more than floating on Pinecrest Lake.

To Kathy, T, and Beth, THANK YOU for inspiring me. I need my journey to be filled with moments that make all the hard worth it. You make it worth it.

Tips:

Tell everyone about your journey and watch movie musicals.

{Do You}

by Betty

I truly believe that there is something to be offered from everyone we meet. The key is to try to find out what.

I have the pleasure of meeting many people every day at work. This week I met a woman who came into the ER and was sent down for a scan of her head. To avoid any patient rights violations, I will leave her name out. She was laying on a gurney and said hello to me when I walked in. I went over to her bedside and asked her name and how she was feeling. She told me why she was there and asked me what I do. I told her I was responsible for ensuring her quality of care was superb while she was in our hospital and she thanked me. She told me that she used to teach special needs kids and that when she started to get older and her health started to decline, she wasn’t able to continue. Her health deteriorated while she was unemployed and uninsured. She found herself another job, but has struggled with her health ever since. I noticed a bandage over eye that was from a recent surgery, poor hygiene, and sadness. I couldn’t help, but want to stay beside her as she waited. She told me that she has spent her whole life taking care of other people and now as she gets older, all the years that she didn’t take care of herself, were catching up with her. She was overweight and suffers from chronic medical conditions, most likely caused by her weight. I was confident she was older, but sad to hear she wasn’t even 60.

During this brief encounter, I looked at this woman and I realized that if I don’t stay committed to my journey I might be her someday. I know that I struggle taking less care of myself than I do other people so meeting this patient was a significant. I don’t want to wake up some day and be laying on a gurney waiting for a CT because I didn’t take care of myself. I told her that her service had probably changed the lives of many people and that a life of service is something I have profound respect for. She graciously said thank you and I told her that our staff better take good care of her. It was late and I walked back to my office, packed my stuff and drove home.

The truth is we have one life to live. Everyday we get older and everyday that we live any way less than what we deserve is a true disservice. I know I am worth the good life I want. Everyday I am reminded of how lucky I am to be only 32 years old with many years ahead of me. This simple concept serves as my constant motivation. I don’t want to find myself sick and too tired to do anything about it. I refuse to waste anymore time. This journey may not be easy, but it is worth all the hard work if I get to live well.

Shout outs:

Menne: Thank you for your message. I think I really needed it. Part of the reason Cara and I continue to blog is in hopes that we may inspire as we have been inspired. And you inspire me every day. Thank you.

Fam: Pinecrest was epic. T-ball, lake water fitness, lots of sun, raging fires, low-cal smores, fantastic food, the party boat, late night convos in sleeping bags…And Grode almost died. Thank you for being you.

Tips:

Take care of yourself every day before it’s too late. Just Do You. 

{STRENGTH}

Oh, hello blog readers.

Hope this finds you well and sweaty. I have had some crazy days since my last ‘Time Management’ blog where I am sure I came across as a HOT MESS. Well, much to my dismay, but no surprise, I am still quite the hot mess, but I am gaining some strength in perspective. Slowly, but surely.

Strength. It takes strength to get up in the morning, put on a smile, work hard, and be a good person. It takes strength to do what is right and give what is good. It takes strength to stay on this journey and move forward every day. It takes strength to know when you need help and to ask for it. It takes strength to balance life and live it well. If strength is this necessary, I must reflect on it in my life. How does one learn how to be strong? I think part of my struggles with my weight have had to do with my lack of strength or my lack of believing in my strength. I have always been very fortunate to be surrounded by extremely strong people and it seems that it has only been over the last year that their lessons are really surfacing. Daily, I am recalling conversations I have had almost 10 years back that are just now being understood. I know I may not do everything right, but strong is one I can handle.

I met with the Big Boss Lady (BBL) today at work and she said something that I have heard many times, but today it stuck…”You can’t be everything to everyone”. This is something that I have struggled with since I was able to choose to live my life or help everyone else to live theirs. For the last 10 years, I really haven’t always lived my life. Glimpses here and there, but usually, I am surrendering my time for something or someone else. (This time management theme will remain present in most of my posts until I either die or figure it out). I have been proud to say that I have lived a life of service. I am blessed with a life that can contribute to bettering someone else’s so that’s what I do. Whether it be my parents, sisters, partner, friends, patients or strangers, I want to make life happier and easier for everyone else. Though it takes strength to do that, it takes way more strength to pull back. I honestly can say I still struggle with this. I would rather be unhappy in order to make someone else happy. And don’t confuse this with a people pleaser. I am far from a people pleaser, in fact, I have pissed off more people than I have pleased, but oh look…there goes the last f&*k I gave about that. If you are in my life, you must know I would give my last penny, shirt off my back, last ounce of food and all my time for you. It’s my gift. Even if I don’t do the best job at it. It’s the only thing I can truly and constantly unconditionally offer.

My public service has become what drives me and what makes me a true professional. As the Godfather Uncle Victor would say, I do it “so that others may live…”. I want to make a difference and leave an impact in the lives of other people. My heart is in the right place, but it is surrounded by a buildup of fat and probably some plaque that shows how little I have done for myself. This is the sharpest fork in my road yet. Which way do I go? Do I continue on a path that provides other people with a constant support or do I start living my life for me? To be happy, I must find the middle. I must continue on this journey I have started and do what is right for my heart, soul and mind. I will never stop and I will succeed. I must also continue to do the work I was placed on this Earth to do. Service.

I am grateful for the strength I gain from my BBL, family and friends to live my life for me and I am also dedicated to them until I take my last breath. 

May the strength that surrounds you, lift you up every day.

Update:

68 pounds down. I am plateauing a little bit, but I know why. I’ve had a few less workouts and a couple days with some long gaps in between meals. I have vowed to myself and to all of you that I will not fail at this. This journey has no U-turns. This weekend I will spend cleaning out my fridge (I may find WMD, but I live with a HazMat Captain…I will survive), refilling it with good food, lots of fitness and I am registering for my first 5K on July 29…thanks to Michael and Cara.

Shout Outs:

BBL: I thought I knew leadership and professionalism and then I met you. If I could be half the leader you are when I grow up, I will have achieved greatness.

Family: Nan, Mommy, Grode, Murr, Nooch, Ryan Dennis, Bun and Pup…Pinecrest, this year, will be epic. I can’t wait. Check for spiders before I get there, please.

Tips:

Whenever I find myself lost, I return to my roots. Good, fresh, healthy food, food tracking and fitness. Burn them calories.

BML.

{It’s On.}

by Betty

To know me is to know I am not a current affairs girl. I can’t stand watching the news or CNN or reading about what’s going on in the world. I am usually the last to hear about significant world news and though, I can sometimes feel a little behind during smart people conversations, but for the most part, I live pleasantly unaware of all the crap that is going on around me. That doesn’t mean I live in a cave…I do hear about important matters as I am a proud social media user, but I don’t go seeking it out nor do I go in deep. Just a need to know basis. Cara says the News is her favorite show. I say every time I start to get caught up, I am sadly informed of the state of affairs and for as long as I can remember, when I am sad, I eat so eff the news. However, I am a proactive citizen and I do want to see and make change. “Be the change you want to see in the world”, is something I live by. Seeing as I am quite behind, I recently watched the KONY 2012 you tube video. If you haven’t watched it, it was worth the 30 minutes.

The message I am bringing to you is that our world and all the people in it are uniquely connected. Though, I am not living as a prisoner of Kony, there are many people who are and they are just like you and me. They want to live their best life. Isn’t that what we all want? I might not be able to pick up and fly over to physically do something about Kony, but I can give some money and I can tell people about it. I did hear that the guy who started this KONY 2012 is kind of a loony toon now, but struggle is struggle and it is still going on. (I think J)

So back to that uniquely connected humanity part…I know not all of you who read this blog have any struggles with weight, however, if we define struggle to be something that makes days longer, nights sleepless, tears to flow, headaches to brew, beds really hard to get out of, doubt to take over or fear to strengthen then we all know struggle and we are all connected. What I know is that I struggle everyday with my weight. I have over 100 pounds to go and then must live a mindful, healthy lifestyle to maintain my weight loss everyday for the rest of my life and I am struggling with that. I am tired.

I write this blog for 3 reasons: my own personal accountability, to inspire others and to be vulnerable which also acts as a voice for people just like me. We are all connected which means we must all come together and unconditionally support. I vow to support the fellow struggler as I have felt the fellow struggler support me. Don’t judge. Think before you speak. Find compassion during the darkest of times. And should you ever come across adversity (also known as stupid ass people that need to seriously consider taking vows of silence), believe in yourself and how far you have come. There is a fire inside all of us that can sometimes become dim. Light it. Fire it up for you and for me. Oh, it’s on my friends. It’s on.

Shout outs:

To my beautiful friend, Amanda Tyson…beast mode. It’s effin on baby.

To Victor my beach bum, You lift me up when I am down without even knowing it and I am so thankful. 510 Fitness in da house.

To my Jackson family and friends…such a gift to have time with you all no matter the forecast. I am so blessed. Thank you. The pink cupcake was by far the highlight. Christine, my love, it got me through.

To Joseph Kony, you have caused enough struggle for way too many people. You are a hot mess and will never feel satisfied in your life. Justice will find you. Asshole.

Michael my amazing trainer…thank you for your support. My journey would not be complete without you. I choose life. BML

Cara…

I needed this workout today. Almost 2 hours with Michael says it all. I can’t believe how far we have come. Just 6 months ago we were different people. Sad, unhappy images of the people we want to be. The people we deserve to be. I want this more than I have wanted anything in my life and I am so grateful to have you and your small ass running a PR at a 10.5 on the treadmill next to me. I love you and our life more than bread and butter.

Tips:

Think. Before. You. Freakin. Speak.

{Lose Weight. Gain Friends.}

by Betty

There are so many things I learn about myself every day. Maybe not learn like brand new learn, but rather I am reminded. I am in my second week of my new job at Kaiser and it is quite amazing. I was so nervous to leave what I had known and loved for so long for something new and what seemed so big. It is pretty big, but in just a few days, I have learned that leaving my comfort zone was the right decision for me. I am one of those people that likes everything to be comfortable so this little gem of discovery is rather huge.

I come home and literally race to change into my pj’s like my work clothes are on fire. I like to sit a certain way in a certain space on my couch. I like a lot of ice in my water. I have a pillow that I must have in order to sleep. I like my shower water a little on the cooler side.

Comfort has been my crutch for most of my adult life. I have feared change. Change is hard. Truth can be scary, but it can also change your entire life. The truth is that for many years I allowed myself to only be comfortable. If I ever felt uncomfortable, I would eat. Food provided me the comfort I wanted. Food also provided me with plus sized clothing, poor self-confidence, acne, gall bladder disease and many missed opportunities. The only thing I can say that I have on my side, is that there was not one day that went by where I wasn’t acutely aware of my health and weight. I never stopped thinking about it. I made many good faith attempts at trying to change myself, but it was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to workout. It was uncomfortable to eat healthy.  And mostly uncomfortable to outwardly acknowledge my weight with anyone other than my own brain. I never talked about my shame or disgust with anyone. My weight was not ever an issue I felt comfortable talking about. Instead it became the little dark secret I would never share, but everyone could obviously see. Weight is not something you can hide. Obesity is a disease everyone knows I have which makes me feel even more lame for allowing myself to get so out of control. I allowed my family to see me lose control of myself. I don’t regret anything in my life thus far, other than that. So what’s different now? I ask myself this everyday to remind myself of the reasons I am on this journey. What’s different now is that I am present. I am not trying to comfort myself with food. I am learning how to cope with being uncomfortable without using food. And why am I ever uncomfortable? What is it that makes me uncomfortable? I am 32 years old. Eff uncomfortable. I work hard. I know what I want. I make it happen. I have a great family. I have a home. So what’s the big deal? Such a miserable little pity party I have been throwing for myself everyday for the last 10+ years. GET THE F*CK OVER IT, YOU LITTLE SNOT!

Pushing myself outside of my stupid, self-destructive comfort zone is what needed to happen. The Biggest Loser Resort is where it started and today, my choices are where it continues.

My choice to take the stairs instead of the elevator.

My choice to stop at Trader Joe’s instead of McDonald’s.

My choice to tell as many people about my journey as possible.

Starting this new job, I was nervous and worried that it would be bigger than I am capable of. My self-doubt made me question every aspect of it and today I realized that this was the best decision I could have made. Though, I adore AMR and miss it so very much, I was very comfortable there. Comfortable in the same atmosphere for the last 13 years of my working life. Returning home from the Resort, I feared relapse. Leaving AMR, I feared change. All of this was meant to happen. Opening a new chapter of my life with Kaiser has renewed my sense of work ethic and mental challenge. I am proud to come from AMR and proud to now work within Kaiser. I am proud that I have lost 68 pounds. I am proud that I am changing my relationship with food. I  am proud that I am present.

Shout Out’s:

To my Biggest Loser Resort Support Group (aka V34L)…You believe in me when I doubt myself. You cheer for me when I want to quit. You know me and love me still. I will forever be grateful to each of you for helping me save my life.

Malibu Reunion. Check out one of our favorite blogs by Amanda Tyson.
http://amandaleightyson.wordpress.com/

Tips:

It can be really hard talking about your weight loss journey to complete strangers. But vulnerability and accountability make you stronger. I tell at least one person a day about my journey. I explain how it started and how I feel now. You will be surprised at the reactions people have. All very motivating and inspirational. Today, I had a long talk with an MRI Tech named Jan. She told me she had heard about my visit to the Biggest Loser from my boss. She had already looked it up online and was saving money to go herself. I told her it was worth every cent and that I would bring pictures with me next time I saw her. Everyone I tell reminds me that this journey is empowering and that I have people all around me who understand. It’s quite amazing really. Lose weight. Gain friends.

{Happy Birthday, Betty}

Today I turned 32 years old. Birthdays haven’t been my thing since bear shaped cakes and goodie bags. I have dreaded my birthday every year since I was 22. I have always spent birthdays reflecting. Most years I have spent reflecting on how unhealthy and unhappy I am. Hence, my dread. Every year I get older I reflect on how much I either have not done or need to do and I have tried to avoid the reality that I am not where I have wanted to be each year my birthday comes around. Usually, several pounds heavier and always a critic of my own success, if I was able to avoid my birthday altogether, it was a great day. This year is different. This year I reflect on my life and recognize I am a completely different person than I was when I turned 31 or any year before that. And please don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky I am and what a wonderful life I have, but internally, I have been dying inside. Literally. I was unhappy with myself and on my birthdays I would look back at what I had done to myself and regret each year that I didn’t change. Physical and mental successes are truly unique to each person so though, I have heard many times that I was successful in life; I could never really quite accept it. For me, I had been failing. This negative mental attitude contributed to each year being worse than the year before. And how sad that is when I have so much to be happy about and proud of. But like I said, this year is different. Like my journey, it doesn’t just change overnight, so I am still “bah-humbugging" some thoughts about singing and blowing out candles, but my reflection this year has brought so many emotions to the surface. Birthdays are about life. This year I have saved my life. I have taken control of my life and made changes that have reminded me I am alive and that my life is worth living. Not just my healthy lifestyle, but my career. Though today has been extremely emotional, I know that the last 13 years have been successful. There have been hard days, but look at where I am today. I have an amazing career with a company that has provided me with so much opportunity. And more than that, so many friends. There are people that become family. There are friends that I will love forever. There are people who know my soul and love me still. There are people who I will keep in my heart and mind forever. I look at my career and I know that I have made changes in people’s lives, even if small. That is all I have ever wanted to do. I am humbled by my reflections and I am so grateful for all the people that I have in my life.

What I know is that I am 32 and very blessed. I have reflected on this day and what I must say here on
this blog is that I vow to myself and to all of you reading that my life will never be the same again. I will stay committed to myself and my work every minute of every day and know that I am worth it. I know without reservation that I am blessed.

“The purpose of life is a life of purpose” –Robert Byrne

Shout outs:

To my sisters: the last 3 days have been the best of my life. You make me the person I am. I love you
more than life and more every day.

To Jerry Souza…you have given me opportunity and have mentored my leadership. I dedicate this blog
post to you. I have never respected someone more. Thank you for being my fan and role model and
know that your integrity and work ethic are contagious. I am so much better because of you. My goal is
that we find ourselves working together again.

To my AMR SF Lifesavers…YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE…Thank you for making the last 3 years the greatest of my career. It has been my honor working with and for you. Though I am not going to be there every day, I am still part of the team and will always be completely invested in supporting you and seeing our operation THRIVE...(word choice: in true Kaiser employee fashion) I love you all so very much.



To my Biggest Loser Lifesavers: Cara, Nicole, Kelly, Heather, Meg, Keith, Amanda, Haley, Michael…this weekend was the greatest weekend of my life and I am profoundly grateful that you support my journey. You are helping me save my life and you have my word that I will support you and yours every step of the way. Van 3 fo life b!t@hes!

Victor: Let’s celebrate life baby! Happy birthday (Sunday)!!!!!!

To me on your day of birth: Believe in yourself. Trust the process. Change forever. You are f&!king badass.

Tips:

It’s your birthday. It’s ok to have cake.

"How does a girl plummeting into a rabbit hole come out unchanged? She doesn't."

-Alice in Wonderland