{Lose Weight. Gain Friends.}

by Betty

There are so many things I learn about myself every day. Maybe not learn like brand new learn, but rather I am reminded. I am in my second week of my new job at Kaiser and it is quite amazing. I was so nervous to leave what I had known and loved for so long for something new and what seemed so big. It is pretty big, but in just a few days, I have learned that leaving my comfort zone was the right decision for me. I am one of those people that likes everything to be comfortable so this little gem of discovery is rather huge.

I come home and literally race to change into my pj’s like my work clothes are on fire. I like to sit a certain way in a certain space on my couch. I like a lot of ice in my water. I have a pillow that I must have in order to sleep. I like my shower water a little on the cooler side.

Comfort has been my crutch for most of my adult life. I have feared change. Change is hard. Truth can be scary, but it can also change your entire life. The truth is that for many years I allowed myself to only be comfortable. If I ever felt uncomfortable, I would eat. Food provided me the comfort I wanted. Food also provided me with plus sized clothing, poor self-confidence, acne, gall bladder disease and many missed opportunities. The only thing I can say that I have on my side, is that there was not one day that went by where I wasn’t acutely aware of my health and weight. I never stopped thinking about it. I made many good faith attempts at trying to change myself, but it was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to workout. It was uncomfortable to eat healthy.  And mostly uncomfortable to outwardly acknowledge my weight with anyone other than my own brain. I never talked about my shame or disgust with anyone. My weight was not ever an issue I felt comfortable talking about. Instead it became the little dark secret I would never share, but everyone could obviously see. Weight is not something you can hide. Obesity is a disease everyone knows I have which makes me feel even more lame for allowing myself to get so out of control. I allowed my family to see me lose control of myself. I don’t regret anything in my life thus far, other than that. So what’s different now? I ask myself this everyday to remind myself of the reasons I am on this journey. What’s different now is that I am present. I am not trying to comfort myself with food. I am learning how to cope with being uncomfortable without using food. And why am I ever uncomfortable? What is it that makes me uncomfortable? I am 32 years old. Eff uncomfortable. I work hard. I know what I want. I make it happen. I have a great family. I have a home. So what’s the big deal? Such a miserable little pity party I have been throwing for myself everyday for the last 10+ years. GET THE F*CK OVER IT, YOU LITTLE SNOT!

Pushing myself outside of my stupid, self-destructive comfort zone is what needed to happen. The Biggest Loser Resort is where it started and today, my choices are where it continues.

My choice to take the stairs instead of the elevator.

My choice to stop at Trader Joe’s instead of McDonald’s.

My choice to tell as many people about my journey as possible.

Starting this new job, I was nervous and worried that it would be bigger than I am capable of. My self-doubt made me question every aspect of it and today I realized that this was the best decision I could have made. Though, I adore AMR and miss it so very much, I was very comfortable there. Comfortable in the same atmosphere for the last 13 years of my working life. Returning home from the Resort, I feared relapse. Leaving AMR, I feared change. All of this was meant to happen. Opening a new chapter of my life with Kaiser has renewed my sense of work ethic and mental challenge. I am proud to come from AMR and proud to now work within Kaiser. I am proud that I have lost 68 pounds. I am proud that I am changing my relationship with food. I  am proud that I am present.

Shout Out’s:

To my Biggest Loser Resort Support Group (aka V34L)…You believe in me when I doubt myself. You cheer for me when I want to quit. You know me and love me still. I will forever be grateful to each of you for helping me save my life.

Malibu Reunion. Check out one of our favorite blogs by Amanda Tyson.
http://amandaleightyson.wordpress.com/

Tips:

It can be really hard talking about your weight loss journey to complete strangers. But vulnerability and accountability make you stronger. I tell at least one person a day about my journey. I explain how it started and how I feel now. You will be surprised at the reactions people have. All very motivating and inspirational. Today, I had a long talk with an MRI Tech named Jan. She told me she had heard about my visit to the Biggest Loser from my boss. She had already looked it up online and was saving money to go herself. I told her it was worth every cent and that I would bring pictures with me next time I saw her. Everyone I tell reminds me that this journey is empowering and that I have people all around me who understand. It’s quite amazing really. Lose weight. Gain friends.

EVEN BETTER

So much to share.
Good.
Great.
And even better.

Last week, Brianne myself and our younger sister, Nicole traveled to SoCal. We returned to the place and the people that saved our lives. Our BLR (Biggest Loser Resort) Reunion was perfect.

A little history, when we began our goodbyes and departure from BLR five and a half months ago, we made a decision with our "group" to reunite at the Biggest Loser Season 13 Finale. The reminder and the invite went out to everyone and although everyone tried to get away for a few days our small group consisted of Keith (Jersey), Heather, Meg, Amanda, Haley (Doc), Betty and myself. We also invited our sister Nicole as this was something we felt that she would have a blast with and she is an important piece for Brianne and I. Luckily, we also had friends that were part of our BL trip including Courtney Crozier (Season 11), Sione Fa (Season 7) as well as our new friends, our trainer and Biggest Loser At-Home Winner Trainer Michael Friedman and of course Season 13 At-Home winner Mike Messina!

All of these people are intricate to our journey. And so is the place.

Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge Malibu and all of the staff there go above and beyond their call of duty. Trainers John and Tonia, nutritionist Jessica, life coach Essara and front desk staff Mimi and Sarah welcomed us with open arms, jaw drops and smiles.  We were also extremely lucky to plan a guided hike, our group and 3 hiking guides from the resort, TJ, Amanda, and Alicia were exceptional! Our hike to Sandstone Peak (which was Keith's request and maybe the best hiking experience of my life) was beautiful and challenging. Sandstone Peak is the highest peak in the Santa Monica Mountains at an elevation of 3,111 feet. Wearing our brand new Shut Up & Sweat t-shirts we took that hike head on. There were tears, and laughter and more tears and nerves, but all of us with our varying abilities FINISHED! Van 3 for Life! V34L!

This trip was planned around the NBC Biggest Loser Season Finale, so we had to go to that too! We were lucky to get a few tickets through our new friend and spinning buddy Mike Messina and through Seatfillers.com. We arrived to the Sony Studios around 3pm and the 5pm LIVE! show was all that I had imagined and more. The best part was that our support for our fellow Loser, Mike, paid off...he won, which ment we made it on TV. Congratulations, Mike! We are so excited to watch you pay it forward!

So here we are a week later (almost 2 weeks later). The reunion lingers, the strength of our BLR family feels stronger and the journey continues.

We have about a million photos and a little more to share on our amazing trip. Look for a slideshow of photos coming soon!

{Happy Birthday, Betty}

Today I turned 32 years old. Birthdays haven’t been my thing since bear shaped cakes and goodie bags. I have dreaded my birthday every year since I was 22. I have always spent birthdays reflecting. Most years I have spent reflecting on how unhealthy and unhappy I am. Hence, my dread. Every year I get older I reflect on how much I either have not done or need to do and I have tried to avoid the reality that I am not where I have wanted to be each year my birthday comes around. Usually, several pounds heavier and always a critic of my own success, if I was able to avoid my birthday altogether, it was a great day. This year is different. This year I reflect on my life and recognize I am a completely different person than I was when I turned 31 or any year before that. And please don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky I am and what a wonderful life I have, but internally, I have been dying inside. Literally. I was unhappy with myself and on my birthdays I would look back at what I had done to myself and regret each year that I didn’t change. Physical and mental successes are truly unique to each person so though, I have heard many times that I was successful in life; I could never really quite accept it. For me, I had been failing. This negative mental attitude contributed to each year being worse than the year before. And how sad that is when I have so much to be happy about and proud of. But like I said, this year is different. Like my journey, it doesn’t just change overnight, so I am still “bah-humbugging" some thoughts about singing and blowing out candles, but my reflection this year has brought so many emotions to the surface. Birthdays are about life. This year I have saved my life. I have taken control of my life and made changes that have reminded me I am alive and that my life is worth living. Not just my healthy lifestyle, but my career. Though today has been extremely emotional, I know that the last 13 years have been successful. There have been hard days, but look at where I am today. I have an amazing career with a company that has provided me with so much opportunity. And more than that, so many friends. There are people that become family. There are friends that I will love forever. There are people who know my soul and love me still. There are people who I will keep in my heart and mind forever. I look at my career and I know that I have made changes in people’s lives, even if small. That is all I have ever wanted to do. I am humbled by my reflections and I am so grateful for all the people that I have in my life.

What I know is that I am 32 and very blessed. I have reflected on this day and what I must say here on
this blog is that I vow to myself and to all of you reading that my life will never be the same again. I will stay committed to myself and my work every minute of every day and know that I am worth it. I know without reservation that I am blessed.

“The purpose of life is a life of purpose” –Robert Byrne

Shout outs:

To my sisters: the last 3 days have been the best of my life. You make me the person I am. I love you
more than life and more every day.

To Jerry Souza…you have given me opportunity and have mentored my leadership. I dedicate this blog
post to you. I have never respected someone more. Thank you for being my fan and role model and
know that your integrity and work ethic are contagious. I am so much better because of you. My goal is
that we find ourselves working together again.

To my AMR SF Lifesavers…YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE…Thank you for making the last 3 years the greatest of my career. It has been my honor working with and for you. Though I am not going to be there every day, I am still part of the team and will always be completely invested in supporting you and seeing our operation THRIVE...(word choice: in true Kaiser employee fashion) I love you all so very much.



To my Biggest Loser Lifesavers: Cara, Nicole, Kelly, Heather, Meg, Keith, Amanda, Haley, Michael…this weekend was the greatest weekend of my life and I am profoundly grateful that you support my journey. You are helping me save my life and you have my word that I will support you and yours every step of the way. Van 3 fo life b!t@hes!

Victor: Let’s celebrate life baby! Happy birthday (Sunday)!!!!!!

To me on your day of birth: Believe in yourself. Trust the process. Change forever. You are f&!king badass.

Tips:

It’s your birthday. It’s ok to have cake.

"How does a girl plummeting into a rabbit hole come out unchanged? She doesn't."

-Alice in Wonderland

{CHANGE}

I Am Changing.

I love getting into the holiday season for many reasons; one reason is the shopping and all the catalogs that come in the mail in volumes. Mother’s day is around the corner and several catalogs arrived…one of my fav’s Uncommon Goods has this cute little necklace that has an "I am" charm and then another charm with a word on it…"Complete", "Loved" etc. I have a birthday around the corner and was thinking how I might like to put this on a wish list, but then I stopped and tried to decide what my word would be.

In the last 5 and a half months my word has been amended many times over.

I am lost.

I am scared.

I am grateful.

I am committed.

I am sweaty.

I am healthier.

I am happy.

I began my journey at the Biggest Loser Resort back on November 27, 2011 with my sister Cara.  I was lost, scared and so unhealthy. I was grateful that I found myself ready to take control of my life. Committed was the only word I spoke to myself for the full 2 weeks in Malibu. It’s about eating less and moving more. I push myself until I am dripping with sweat. I have lost 60 pounds and I feel so much better. I have a ways to go, but I am so happy with where I am now.

I think back to the person I was just 5 months ago and can’t believe the mental transformation. The physical one is pretty significant too, but mentally, I am in a much better place. I still struggle with anxiety and coping with emotions I used to eat, but it’s not a switch I can flip. It is a process. And I trust the process. It’s not easy every day, but every day is good. I am worth it. I know this now.

I am supported.

The most important part of this journey and the part that means the most to me is my support group. My family has always been true fans even when there was nothing to cheer for. And my friends know me and love me still. Then I met this group of people from the Biggest Loser Resort…I know it is because of them and my 2 weeks that I am different now.  I met these people at the lowest point I have ever been in my life and they understood my struggle, my fears and truth. Beside them, I vowed to myself that I would take my life back and live. I have never been more vulnerable and humbled than I was during those two weeks and I will never be able to thank them for unconditionally supporting me, inspiring me and investing in me. On Sunday, Cara, Nicole and I leave for the Biggest Loser Finale in LA and we get to spend 3 days with our Biggest Loser Resort friends. I am beyond excited and feel like I need this reunion to remind me of how I started my journey, be proud of how far I have come and  return inspired to continue. I will see them and vow my commitment to myself once again. I need this trip and can’t wait to see all of them. Although, I can’t wait for the Finale and rooting on my friend and Biggest Loser #13 contestant, Mike Messina, I am also very anxious about next week approaching.

Announcement!

After 13 years with American Medical Response, I have accepted a new job with Kaiser Permanente. Not just any job…a huge major grown-up job as a Quality Manager. I am heartbroken about leaving AMR, but I could not be more humbled and honored to have been referred and selected for this position. I can’t begin to explain how much AMR and the SF staff means to me without breaking down sobbing, so I will spare this blog the details. My last day with AMR is May 4^th and my first day with Kaiser is May 7^th. I will be staying on with AMR as a consultant until I either fall over or they remove my key access. 

Either way, life is happening. 

Transforming.

I am changing. That’s my word.

Shout outs:

Cara and Nicole: YOU INSPIRE ME EVERYDAY. THANK YOU.

Kelly Potate! I tear up every time I remember you aren’t going to be in LA. Know that I will miss you, but will see your beautiful face soon. I love you more than sparkling water.

Michael…There are no words for my profound appreciation for the investment you have made in my life. Training with you has been the greatest gift I have ever given myself. Thank you for pushing me every day. Life by trainer.

MIKE MESSINA!!! I wish you the best life ever.

To me: the vow you made to yourself is unbreakable. Stay strong. Mindful. Your tenacity and perseverance will take you far. Leave AMR with a sense of pride and gratitude and move forward with Kaiser staying true to your integrity and work ethic. No matter what, never forget how brilliant your life is and all of the people who make it so. You are one lucky little B.

Tips:

This journey is still hard, but it’s getting easier. Food choices are becoming habit and I feel so much better after a workout. I never thought I would ever say this in my entire life, but I actually like spinning. I know…shock. And let me clarify, I don’t like every minute of it. Rolling hills and a level 10 out of the saddle and the constant ache in my butt bone aren’t all rainbows and sunshine, but I like the challenge of spinning. I push myself hard and burn almost 1000 calories in 50 minutes. It takes some courage to start, but I highly recommend trying it. Find what you like and do it. Just don’t stop.

BML

A Good Pair of Shoes

Today, I say goodbye to a pair of shoes that changed my life.


My Brooks Glycerin Shoes....

• took me to Fitness Ridge Malibu
• hiked next to Biggest Losers 
• trained with amazing trainers
• met my trainer and friend Michael
• helped me lose 50 lbs over 4 months
• and ran the US HALF MARATHON

All I can say is thank you for the start of something wonderful.

{BML}

by Brianne

I look back on the last couple of weeks and take a relaxing breath. It has been a while since our last blog post and I wanted our first one back to be about Cara’s marathon. Blogging is a part of our journey and we allowed a short time to pass without a post which doesn’t help us in any way. We thank you so much for reading and hope you look forward to regular entries again.

The last few weeks have been wonderful and horrible. I have been faced with many different emotions and feel the commitment I have to my weight loss journey has been tested. I have had long work hours, long school hours, social commitments, a funeral, some new opportunities and a lot of difficult decision making. In the end, I sit here humbly writing a blog post knowing that I did not turn to food to cope with any of the emotions and I was able to stay active several times a week. That’s the goal, right? Eat less. Move more. I feel successful in the fact that I am still on my journey working hard and doing everything with a clear mind and a dedicated heart. Things are changing in my life and the next few blog posts will start to talk about that.

When Cara and I started packing for the Biggest Loser Resort last November, we talked about what we were bringing to wear. Not actively active, neither of us had very many workout fits and didn’t want to come wearing our normal everyday-plus-size-looks-like-your-going-to-the-gym-but-just-want-to-be-comfortable-never-workout clothes. Naturally, we purchased a couple items and our rah-rah GO DUCKS! gear in honor of our inspiring sister, Nicole. I bought us CamelBacks from REI for hiking and Cara brought a million toiletries. We shopped for hiking shoes and sports bras. Though I wanted to be prepared, I was just ready to get there and start. The details were not as important to me until Cara dropped this gem…”If you feel good in the clothes you have and the tools you use, you will be motivated to live that lifestyle”…it may not have been stated exactly like that, but it completely changed how I felt about the subject. I didn’t buy anything special for the Resort, mostly because I didn’t have a lot of time to shop and because at that time finding clothes that fit and were worth spending money was quite infrequent. I packed what I had and knew I wouldn’t be judged. Being back from the Resort and living my journey at home, there are some tools and clothing I rely on and feel that they are part of the lifestyle. I live in my workout gear, but I still have quite a bit of weight to lose so I purchase clothes from the active wear section at Old Navy. They have some great, inexpensive options. I have 3 pairs of workout shoes I rotate between. I wear my Body Bugg. I refill Nalgene and Camelback bottles every day. I use an iPod to listen to music. And most recently, I got an iPhone. For those of you that know me and the complete adverse opposition I have had with iPhone’s….I know. I caved. Cara is right, though. The tools you have matter and they do encourage and empower me to live this healthy lifestyle. I have been so much better about tracking my food and educating myself daily on eating well and exercise because of my iPhone. (I don’t deny I adore Instagram and Words With Friends as well, however) As with any phone, it takes some getting used to. I am a devout PC and BlackBerry user so my Apple transition has been a nightmare…I mean….adventure! I am an avid texter and the learning curve on this mother f*$king iPhone is ridiculous. Nonetheless, it is a tool and it helps me every day. Crazy thing…there are moments in our lives that can change us and the first day I became an iPhone user, I had one of these moments.

Prior to meeting Tara Costa, Biggest Loser Season 7 contestant and seeing her PMA (positive mental attitude) tattoo, I faked most of my good moods. I always tried to make people feel special and happy. I always tried to get a laugh. Inside enjoying the time, but not enjoying myself. Often, I would project my unhappiness by saying rude things, having a secretive and sometimes public, negative outlook and would frequently type FML as a text to my sister or as a tweet. FML (F*^k My Life) was a message I whispered to myself often. It is a daily job being mindful about my food, my journey and my attitude which sometimes falls short. Frustrated with my new iPhone, I was trying to text Cara and I typed FML, but the intuitive auto correct spelling changed it to BML. The moment it changed from FML to BML I said “Better My Life”. What the f*^k am I doing still typing FML? I know there will be hard days and I know my weight loss journey is a process, but look at how far I have come! I have lost 60 pounds and found a love for spinning. Five months ago I was typing FML because my knees hurt, it was hard to breath and I felt worthless. Today, I type BML because no matter how the day goes or what crap surfaces, I am bettering my life.   

A quote from the movie A Single Man:

“A few times in my life I’ve had moments of absolute clarity. When for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and I can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. It’s as though it had all just come into existence. I can never make these moments last. I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.”

Shout outs:

CARA MARIE! I woke up on Easter Sunday bursting with pride. You told me years ago that you wanted to run a marathon. Every year, you said next year. Then you said at 30. You are 30 and on Sunday you ran the U.S. Half Marathon. You were my hero before so nothing has changed, but I want you to know that I am so inspired by your strength, courage and commitment. You have taken control of your life. I wish that all your dreams come true.

Nicole A…I don’t tell you enough, but I love you more than Easter candy and feel our family is complete with you back home. I know some days are harder than other, but you are the best aunt to our nephews and I can't tell enough how much I need you in my life.

Michael, my trainer: I will be forever grateful for your unconditional, nonjudgmental investment in my sister and me. Few words can describe our love and appreciation for you even if you did cause me to throw up at a 76 gas station after your “Triathlon Workout”.

Tips:

(To Christine)

It’s not easy cutting calories. They add up. The only way to truly know how you are doing with your calorie intake is to track it. I eat around 1400 calories a day and some days are harder than others. I used to eat between 3500-4000 calories a day so it is quite the drastic decrease, however at the Resort we ate 1200 calories and Jessica the nutritionist made it a point to have everyone acknowledge their hunger levels. The key with all meal plans, no matter how many calories you are consuming, is choosing the right food. Your food should consist of protein, veggies and fruit and a whole grain. I am leaving out the amounts of each, but can elaborate if needed. I cut back on my carb intake after lunch or if I know I have already gotten my workout in for the day, but if I feel hungry I add to the portion of veggies and sometimes add in a whole grain to curb my hunger. It is important to not feel deprived or too hungry. If you feel hungry, eat. Just choose the right food. I knew it would be tough in the beginning going from 3000 calories to 1400, but now I try to eat to fuel as opposed to fill. It’s all about the choices. Gauge your hunger and eat the right food.

FINISH

by Cara


I haven't checked in for 3 weeks. I need to check in more, this is where I feel I can hold myself the most accountable. I share my goals, my successes, but I also can share my struggles. Because when it comes down to it, this is a life long journey, so life has to happen while changing.


In the last 3 weeks I have made some amazing strides.


Monday, March 26: I officially felt like I could call myself a runner. Michael, my trainer, called me in early to our training session "We're going to do something different!" I arrived at 10:40 and we left the gym. From 24 Hour on Van Ness and Post to San Francisco's own Coit Tower. If you need visual, think uphill BOTH ways! 4.47 miles in a little over 1 hour. I felt so good.

It was that day that I realized, I love being outside. It was a reminder of how much I enjoyed the hikes in Malibu at Biggest Loser Fitness Ridge. Later that week Ryan and I went for the Twin Peaks hike and actually found an even better trail just behind our house. I also really like working out with my husband, Ryan. Who has been kicking ass in the health and fitness department. I am so lucky to have his support and partnership on this journey. I love him very much and as we get stronger physically our love is stronger too. (Awe, cheesy, I know!)


Brianne and I were working very hard on a project at work. We would work for a few hours, see Michael, then work for a few more hours. That project was a true test. We were down to the wire, I was still working 3 days at Stanford and I really wanted to be with my kids. My workouts and my food were still my focus. And luckily we survived and  got our workouts in too.


About a week and a half ago, Michael asked what I thought about running the US Half Marathon "The Other Half" on Sunday, April 8. I looked at him and said well thats Easter, really what else would I be doing on Easter, but eating chocolate. So I started training. One week to the event I started training, really!  On Sunday, April 1st I ran. My goal was to run a 5k all the way through, so I ran outside in my neighborhood, hills and all, I ran 5.33 miles in an hour and 15 minutes. I felt great and was more surprised in my time and ability. This past week I ran on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Saturday. I was battling my own mind as I tried to imagine running 13.1 miles, but also my mind was completely somewhere else.  I have spent the last 2 weeks struggling with who I am mentally. I have not felt strong enough mentally to get through the day to day. I have felt like I am letting people down, especially my one true partner, my husband. My own struggles really do hurt him and I had to get past what I was feeling to make sure we were OK. I might be physically stronger, but my mind has not caught up. I am also trying to give everything I do 100% of me and well that is nearly impossible. But when I think about it, "Someone busier than me is running RIGHT NOW!" 

Yesterday, was the day. Sunday, April 8th! The Resurrection of Christ and the resurrection of my inner athlete. I could not have asked for a better day, it was cool, sun shinning and clear. In my city by the bay I started and ended at Aquatic Park, AND I ran... through the Presidio, and Marina Green and across the Golden Gate Bridge! I ran about 90% of it, and my goal was to FINISH. I finished in 2:47:38!!! Under 3 hours...HOLY SHIT! I just did that. My knees and hips are stiff today, but today I can say my head is in this. I am stronger and I believe in myself. When we hit mile 12, Michael (who stayed with me and coached me the whole way) said that when I crossed that finish line all the things holding me back would be gone and that I would only be moving forward and upward from here. It is true. Nothing can hold me back anymore.I left those insecurities and doubts at mile 12 yesterday. I am stronger because of this and so thankful to my trainer, my amazing husband, and my family for being my support and for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. And lastly a final thank you to Biggest Loser Resort at Fitness Ridge Malibu and to all of my amazing friends I met there. I thought of each of you as I ran, the power we created at the resort fuels my journey and I am so lucky to have your support.

p.s I have officially lost 52 lbs. in 4 months! 

Believe in yourself. Trust the process. Change forever.